5/11/2021

 here I am again. Finally getting my numbers under some kind of control. I'm at least more aware of the why when my sugar goes high and doesn't want to come down. Exercise helps a lot with that, by the way.

I'm doing fairly well about exercising or walking every day, and have even thought about doing both. But I am still very much at the stage of having to force myself to do one or the other, so maybe I'll put that off for a while. 

Hope I get over that reluctance soon, and I may, as I'm showing signs of minimal weight loss. I think part of the problem is that there is so much of me to haul around. 

Working with the flowers helps also. That's something I can do in small bits of time, and it definitely has immediate and pleasing results. I still haven't quite figured out how to manipulate me around my arthritic knee, but some attempts are semi-successful, for a minute or two. Since this pain doesn't look to be going anywhere, I had best learn to work around it or in spite of it.

Trying again

Time to fire this ol' thing up again. I've had a lot of things happen since last I was here. Most of you reading know. For those who don't know the details, it really doesn't matter, except that it distracted me and now I must get myself back on track.

My weight, despite changes and diet and all that stubbornly clings to 300. It bounces up and down around that number, but it seems to be the anchor number. 

I am doing more, but I really can't seem to force myself into a routine. And changes are more easily made through an adaptable routine. Routine being the key word.

I went on a mini vacation with my sisters (and one of their friend) and I got in some of the kind of walking I enjoy. And I did enjoy it! 

I want to keep doing that, but I'm thinking I'm going to have to do a lot of boring walking around town and through stores, whether that's where I want to be or not. 

I am doing better. The walks I succeeded at in the mountains proved that to me. (Also proved that I am correct in saying "It may take me a while, but I CAN do it.)

What I need is some outward accountability. That is you, my friends. Please get on my case if I don't post something here regularly. I'd like to go every day, or every other day, but for now I'll accept a staring goal of twice a week. 

Please, if you can, help me hold myself accountable. If I can cure or adapt my physical problems, I am now free to do things I want, instead of just wishing and dreaming of doing them. I can even afford to do things, so long as I'm not reckless or extravagant.

This is important to me.

I will also benefit by getting back into the habit of writing regularly, which has been tricky with arthritis in my hands and ennui in my head. I don't like not writing meaningfully and frequently.

Here's to good habits and successful routines, and GETTING A LIFE.

Crossed the Line

Well, it finally happened.

I am no longer prediabetic.
I'm diabetic.
Barely, but the numbers don't lie.
Nor does the way I feel (fatigued) or smell (like wet burned paper towels) or react (sleep)

A diagnosis for one part of my problems, too.


Another line I've crossed recently.
There have been days when I don't get dressed.
Or nights when I don't get undressed.
I sleep.
I only get up to go to the bathroom and every now and then make a sandwich.

Partly seasonal; partly situational.
Things change.

For all I know, it could be partly physical as well, since diabetes does contribute to depression.

That would be three sources.

Today has been a good day.
Hopefully there will be more. (I'm thinking the medicine is finally kicking in. It's been three weeks now.)

Oh, and my weight has gone down, for the most part. Fluctuating at 300 now instead of 310. I guess sleeping and not eating will do that for you. I'll keep that change if I can.

Some Improvement

For the second full week, my daily weight has been below 300 on my home scale.

Now I know daily weigh-ins are discouraged as part of a weight loss plan, but they are somewhat necessary with the CHF. Sudden weight gain could be the first warning sign of further problems/ loss of effectiveness/pulmonary edema.
The guidelines are 3 pounds a day, but I have always had the "ability" to add on about seven pounds overnight with no difficulty or health problems. The doctor says just watch for abnormal and keep track of other symptoms as well.

I have been somewhat productive around the house and yard, although sometimes it's quite a push to motivate me. I like to always do it later when i feel better.
But I have been doing it anyway.

My feet stay terribly swollen these days. Sometimes it hurts to walk on them. Sometimes its horrible to squeeze into shoes. Mentioned that to my PCP, and she looked and said well maybe.

Excuse me? You people (medical professionals) all insist that my damn legs are swelled when they are just extremely FAT. But I teeter in here on feet the size of volleyballs and you say maybe? Here's hoping -- on one hand -- that they are still swelled like that when I see the cardiologist. On the other hand, it would probably be really good if all that swelling went away. We could blame it on summer, or something like that.

Balancing the fluid intake thing has been a nightmare in the heat. I have a low tolerance for heat -- one memorable summer I was in ER three times for rehydration. And too much fluid now means I swell and breathe like a fish. Too little fluid means someone may have to pick me up off the floor, and at over 300 pounds, that's not a nice thing to do to anyone. Plus, you know, I'd hate for it to be falling off the toilet or before/while I'm still getting dressed. So embarrassing.

I think the difference is having the thyroid medicine back. I knew I needed it, but for some reason the blood tests weren't reflecting that need. Possibly the "within normal parameters" is a number too high or low for me to function optimally. Or some of my other medicine is causing a false reading.
I'd really like to be evaluated by an endocrinologist. But you can't exactly just call one up and say Hey, I want to see you.
I may "just" have an on again off again thyroid -- its been doing that for a couple of decades. But I'd like to be sure -- I suspect I have Hashimoto's, but have also been accused of imagining the worst. I'm not sure how or why having a diagnosis -- or even a probably not from a specialist -- is the worst, but that's the message I get. Some of my symptoms are NOT consistent.

But -- I am showing improvement in some small ways, and that's probably worth being happy about.

Legs

Hooray! I can exercise my legs without scaring my heartbeat and drowning from lack of breathing.
It's not just my legs. I can do hips and even waist, so long as I'm seated or lying down.


I WANT TO WALK!
I miss long rambling walks.
I miss quick trots (so to speak)

So, the legs are a good place to start.
That's one reason why I wish my pedal thing hadn't fallen apart.
I wish I still had my gazelle, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. It involves standing and moving-- both at the same time. That's a problem. For now.

I do get terrible cramps in my butt muscles, where the holes in the hip bones are.
I get sore in my groin joints and my knees get tender.
My traitorous back ties itself in knots.

I'm still bloated. They keep telling me my legs are really swollen, but I still don't see that. My legs just look like my same-ol' fat legs to me. Heck, I can even see my little round ankle bones once again. Haven't been able to do that for a while.

My feet, however do swell tremendously. My feet look like balls with toes. Even Hailey has commented on them. Usually not painful, but cartoonish to look at.


Health professionals still on their "lose weight" mantra.
Still refusing to believe my food diary or reports. Insisting exercise is the answer even with limited mobility. Haven't yet figured out how to move without moving. (I did semi-research joining the Y for swimmercise but too expensive and too far to drive with gas prices push-push-pushing $3.)

I think I am losing weight. I think my body is turning everything into water. Water is NOT weightless. The way my clothes fit is changing. That's almost always the first clue. My  pants are getting longer and the waistbands (on any and all types of clothes) are rubbing.
The scale is as always -- bouncing between 7 to 10 pounds different from day to day. They say to report weight gain that high but that is and always has been normal for me.

This weather hasn't made being able to "do" an easy option. By "do" I mean things like walk to my car, stand at the sink, take a shower.
Oh, to live where it is forever spring or fall! With sunshine and showers for the Glorious Fourth and snow for Christmas. the end.

All I can do is try and do what I find I can, I suppose.
Starting with the legs.

Not Quite Anything

Well, my fitness goals have had to undergo a few adjustments. They are not being abandoned, nor are they to be deemed completely impossible or unattainable.

BUT...
This long winter and my ongoing health problems, which worsened with the cold and windy and generally unstable weather conditions, have sent me on a journey.

The nutshell version is that my heart is giving out. Heart Failure.

There is no cause for this. No blocked arteries; no malfunctioning valves; no infection or obvious inflammation of the heart muscle; no structural damages; no prolonged bouts of high blood pressure. The one short spurt of high blood pressure was quickly brought under control -- and that was five years ago. (underactive thyroid.)

In the early 2000s (I'm thinking 03 or 04) I had a bad bout of walking pneumonia and a few months later had a heart murmur and a 'slightly enlarged' heart. No structural damage, and as time passed, the condition resolved itself.

I had an anomalous heart problem in October of 08 or 09. There was an acknowledgement of a 'syndrome'. But there were no observable malfunctions, obstructions, or anything that could be diagnosed and treated.

I later had another bout of prolonged pneumonia. And another heart murmur with enlargement of the right ventricle. This set off a whole array of symptoms and tests, but the results were the same. No structural damage. And, once again, the condition resolved.

This may have happened another time -- after so many years and all the things that have happened in the last few years, memories merge or muddle. It has happened enough that there is a faint pattern.

So now I have the symptoms and the struggles of congestive heart failure. The symptoms are somewhat worse than they have been, and show no signs of resolving at this time. I am retaining fluids, and other systems are being affected. My liver is awash.But there are still no signs of structural damage or physical cause. It's hard to breathe, especially when I change position. The fluid (congestion) residing in my pericardium squooshes my lungs until I can adjust. My C-PAP has been doing a wonderful job of keeping the fluids OUT of my lungs, so there is that.

There is no prognosis.
It's even fallen short of an actual diagnosis.

I have the symptoms of heart failure.
I am receiving/doing treatments for heart failure.
Treatments are as effective as they can be, all things considered. (CHF can be a temperamental condition, until it gets into the later stages.)

One part of the treatment is mild exercise as can be tolerated.
Sure wish I still had my gazelle, or my pedals, or something of that sort.
I can still walk.
On days that I actually can walk.
Hopefully I can build up endurance, and will be able to walk in the woods and hike in the hills.
Maybe someday I'll even be able to walk all the way through Kroger's store without muscle spasms and gasping like a fish.
Maybe.
I figure mountain climbing is out, though.
Deep sea diving may or may not work, depending on depth. The piped in air is part of advanced treatment of cardiopulmonary issues, after all.
Not so sure about skydiving. All that thinner atmosphere and atmospheric pressure.

That's the plan, and it IS an achievable goal (within reason.)

I'm still trying.

More Therapy

Messed up my back just before Christmas. Well, my back messed up. It just decided it didn't want to do anything. No slips, falls, overexertions or anything that I could figure out.
Went to ER; Dr. diagnosed an exacerbation of chronic low back pain and recommended an MRI, so be sure to follow up with my PCP.
He also prescribed Robaxin, Vicodin, and prednisone -- a really long taper of the prednisone. 4 for 4 days, 3 for 3 days, 2 for 2 days, 1 for 1 day.

So, today I got in to see my PCP. she took me off the prednisone. Which is okay because I'm pretty much done with them anyway.  Said the steroid had me spilling sugar. Not a surprise; they do that. An immediate stop was a bit of a surprise, because sometimes a sudden stop can cause rebound problems. Good thing I'm already done or nearly so.
I also suspect the prednisone has been playing hell with my eyes. It's almost as if I've gone back to just after my second surgery as far as seeing is concerned. My eyes itch and burn and weep.
Of course, this could also be from having lots of heat on all the time, in these wintry winter temps.

I weighed in at 3 pounds over my last visit. (Still under 300, thank god) But I was wearing three shirts and two pair of pants and two pair socks. (Wintry winter temps, donchaknow?)I dont think my weight changed a whole lot. If it did, I'm kinda inclined to blame that on the steroids, too. They can cause bloating and weight gain.

 So, here I am, starting a new year with all this garbage.

Let's get the trash took out!

Apologies Again

Apologies for yet another break.
I'm sorry.

When I went back to doctor I had lost two pounds. It took a month, and there was of course some differential due to clothing, but it was a change and in the right direction.

The doctor had done a full thyroid panel; there is nothing showing up there. Good news on one hand, but also a little strange. For a period, I had low thyroid, and okay, what made it start working again? Is it working properly? How long will it work and having low thyroidworries, health symptoms already how will I know if it stops again?

What if whatever made it start to work makes it start to overwork?

Anyway, the next step is seeing a urologist. That appointment has been made, Feb 1. From my research, that is the next step in seeking out a metabolic disorder that isnt showing up anything on routine testing, so I'm okay with that.

I would really like to cut straight through to seeing an endocrinologist, but one has to go through the proper steps. Unless one is independently wealthy of course, and gets to tell the professionals what to do.

The holidays and cold and my back going out haven't helped in establishing any equilibrium, I'm sorry to say, but I am hoping that is under control now.

Thank you all for your support.

Discouraged

After my visit to the doctor Monday (rescheduled from the day of missteps) I am so Disappointed, despondent and depressed. Have gained weight and not just a little bit. Still swollen in the legs. blood pressure good, heartbeat 'within normal parameters'. Still a bit of a murmur.

I brought up the weight gain.
I brought up how it is out of proportion with what I eat and do.

And i got the same old they-aren't-listening-to-me garbage about diet and exercise.
Was suggested that I write down what I eat. (Duh.) (Check mark)
Was suggested I always include a protein when I eat. (Check mark)
Was suggested that I eat frequently instead of one or two big meals. (Check mark)
Didn't really feel believed, but that could just be me.

I guess I should look at it like I'm doing the right things, I suppose.

I shouldn't call the diet and exercise garbage. There is validity to it -- I'm not saying there isn't. I'm really not.  But it is not the be-all and end-all solution to weight problems.
There are other causes and concerns that are weight related. Thyroid, pituitary, thalamus, kidney or liver disease (or deterioration).

Heredity.

Looking at the pictures from our trips, I think I am taking on the body silhouette of my mother's Aunt
Gladys. She had several glandular problems, and that was back in the day, before many of those had legitimately been accepted.

I can't be sure without seeing actual pictures of her in her later years, and I doubt there are many of those floating around. The idea could be wishful thinking on my part, another way to escape responsibility. (Not that that's something I do on a regular basis.)

Of course, it would also be another factor to be considered as part of a weight loss regimen.

So, I go into Thanksgiving week edging ever closer to 300. This is not a goal I wish to meet. I need to reverse this. And quickly.

I refuse to be 300.

Hello

hello.
I am going to try this for accountability. My natural laziness and lack of discipline is catching up with me in so many areas of my life, I am inviting you all to hold me accountable for my failures.

I need to do something. My weight is creeping up again. Actually, it is nit creeping, it is skyrocketing, and that is not acceptable to me.

My productivity is down, and my basic caretaking skills are falling by the wayside. I cannot permit this to be me, and I am taking action.

My sister did a weight loss journey blog, and it helped her tremendously, so I am following in her footsteps. With the blog, and hopefully with the weight loss success.

When and where have I drawn this line? I have always been big, and even after my last pregnancy -- nearly 30 years ago, I have been seriously overweight by the numbers.
Now, I don't like or trust numbers, they can be manipulated. (1 pregnant woman, 9 virgins. Statistically, the virgins are 1/10 pregnant and the pregnant one is 9/10 virgin. Yeah.)

BUT -- basic health I understand, and when my weight goes over a certain point I have health problems. It is the health problems that have me restarting on this journey today.

It is likely that my thyroid is again laying down on the job. Laziness may be a glandular failure, not a life-choice. Unfortunately, the month of October is already devoted to a different health problem so that will have to be checked later.
I already have the appointment scheduled.

New month, new week, changes already in the works.
We will see how it goes.

Give me hell, people.
Help me be and do my best.

Thank you.