Another Year Accomplished

I made it!
Through the holiday season and into a new year.
I made it.

There were times when I didn't think I would.
Times I didn't think it would matter if I did or not.
Times I wished it didn't matter.

Times I thought my weakness was an excuse for my own laziness and lack of motivation and all that kind of stuff.

But the closer it got to the actual holidays, the more I thought I couldn't taint the season for the littles.
At least not if I could help it.
Cardiac and pulmonary issues often times don't wait for the right time or respond well to willpower, especially when there are underlying mental issues.
But, if I could help it, I would.

I would do what I could to change my ~isolating~ circumstances.
I would try every day to live up to the commitments I've made.
I would try my hardest to do my best.

Somedays that barely gets me out of bed.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am trying my hardest.
Only God knows, I suppose, because I don't.

I want to be trying my hardest.
But it's so hard.
I'll try after I wake up more.
After I eat.
After I do this or that.
After it gets warm.
After the snow melts.
After the rain stops.
When the pain stops...


I'm thinking, now, that I'll probably make it past my birthday and even Valentine's Day.
Beyond that, I don't know. There's no feeling -- emotion --either way.
Of course, it isn't all up to me.
If it was, there'd not be the things of today. No little guy and girl. No Tammy or Tracy, even.
If it was -- ever -- up to me it would have ended more than a half-century ago.

I sometimes wonder if the sin was in continuing when I knew better,

I sometimes wonder that still.