Most of the time I am functional. Some days I'm even doing pretty well.
But there are days when none of this is true.
There are days when I feel, not as if I may be dying, but that I am actually on the brink of death.
There are no dramatic symptoms. Not even fatigue.
There is nothing I could take to a doctor or hospital and say this, this, or that is more wrong with me today than it was yesterday, or an hour ago.
But I feel it.
Sometimes I can almost see it.
Death hovers; yet it is not Death itself, as an entity, that hovers.
It is I who hover.
No, there's no decision to be made.
No fears or delights to consider or overcome.
No choices.
No Stay or Go
This is just the place I am, at these times.
Suspended animation, perhaps.
A rest on the journey.
To who knows where.
At these times, it seems that the Walls Between, or the Veils, have become thin.
That whatever obscures those Dividers are in some sense swept aside.
Again, they are not pushed or pushing at me.
There is no pressure, no drive, nor even any specific knowledge of what awaits on the Other Side.
There is just the Presence of the Partition(s).
It may not be Death that is beyond.
It may be any of several other perceptions.
An astral dimension. Or dimensions.
Parallel universe.
Quantum physics -- the multiples of me "be"ing multiple.
In this state I sometimes see and hear Tammy trying to wake me.
I see and hear her panic when this other me does not waken easily, or respond.
Panic and sometimes sheer terror in her voice.
This has not happened; this has never happened.
It is something that I observe, through the veil.
In older novels, one reads of people with 'heart troubles' having sinking spells. These vague heart troubles, in many cases, are CHF. Undiagnosed; unspecified; usually manageable.
Most of these people have decent reasonable life spans in spite of, or perhaps because of the spells.
Perhaps they are a recharge for weakened spirits living in a weakened body with a weakened heart.
All I know, is that sometimes I am "there", for no reason that I can see.
It's a very otherly place, and I am grateful for it as I wait, once again, for the sinking spell to pass.
As it will.
As it WILL.
But there are days when none of this is true.
There are days when I feel, not as if I may be dying, but that I am actually on the brink of death.
There are no dramatic symptoms. Not even fatigue.
There is nothing I could take to a doctor or hospital and say this, this, or that is more wrong with me today than it was yesterday, or an hour ago.
But I feel it.
Sometimes I can almost see it.
Death hovers; yet it is not Death itself, as an entity, that hovers.
It is I who hover.
No, there's no decision to be made.
No fears or delights to consider or overcome.
No choices.
No Stay or Go
This is just the place I am, at these times.
Suspended animation, perhaps.
A rest on the journey.
To who knows where.
At these times, it seems that the Walls Between, or the Veils, have become thin.
That whatever obscures those Dividers are in some sense swept aside.
Again, they are not pushed or pushing at me.
There is no pressure, no drive, nor even any specific knowledge of what awaits on the Other Side.
There is just the Presence of the Partition(s).
It may not be Death that is beyond.
It may be any of several other perceptions.
An astral dimension. Or dimensions.
Parallel universe.
Quantum physics -- the multiples of me "be"ing multiple.
In this state I sometimes see and hear Tammy trying to wake me.
I see and hear her panic when this other me does not waken easily, or respond.
Panic and sometimes sheer terror in her voice.
This has not happened; this has never happened.
It is something that I observe, through the veil.
In older novels, one reads of people with 'heart troubles' having sinking spells. These vague heart troubles, in many cases, are CHF. Undiagnosed; unspecified; usually manageable.
Most of these people have decent reasonable life spans in spite of, or perhaps because of the spells.
Perhaps they are a recharge for weakened spirits living in a weakened body with a weakened heart.
All I know, is that sometimes I am "there", for no reason that I can see.
It's a very otherly place, and I am grateful for it as I wait, once again, for the sinking spell to pass.
As it will.
As it WILL.
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