interesting day.

 I've certainly had that, an interesting day, today.

Got up and took a shower because I had an appointment to get an echo done on my heart. Mostly a routine thing; it's been two years and time to take an additional look and see if there's been any improvement or degradation. Inspired by the fact that if I sit down from standing it becomes harder to breathe for a few minutes. (Usually sitting down in is the best help for that problem.

I had my dr visit in early April. (It was due in February. Instead, thats when I called to make the appointment.) It was originally scheduled for Monday the 25th. 

I caught a cold (or something) and had to postpone for a week.

Which brings me to today. I went to the hospital for outpatient testing. My first fun event of the day. I knew where I needed to go and all that, but the lady on the telephone had given me instructions to go to the marked outpatient parking lot and enter from there. She also told me to park only in the marked outpatient parking spaces.

I knew from my dr visit a couple weeks ago (drs office is in same facility; different division.) that they were working in the parking lots, so okay. Never heard of that before, never saw any signs like that, but with all the construction going on, I'd better have a look around.

Drove as entirely around the structure as I could (construction blockages),twice. Never found nonexistent outpatient parking lot or spots. Lady must have mixed up her hospitals.

I did the test. In and out. Worst problem was walking the ninety miles of hallways from there to there to there.

For a nice change of pace, slow and steady got me through it without too much huffing, puffing, or holding onto the wall. Slow and steady does work, at least until I try to go a little faster. 

Come home, take off my shoes, set about the business of the day. Returning all the phone calls I had ignored the last two weeks while I was sick. Did some home stuff, read a little, took a nap.

More phone ringing. At first I thought it was on the tv, but it still rang after going to commercial, so I looked at the phone and it was an unknown Sardinia phone number. 

I thought it was one of the kids's schools calling, or something, although they don't have my new phone number if they ever even had my old one. 

It was my DOCTOR! NOT the office, but the actual doctor. 

He asked if I was using my C-Pap. How often I was using it. How long I was using it. (That one stumped me.) Was I sure I was using it? (I would say I had been overusing it, with that nasty cold and all. But I didn't say that out loud.)

Then he said that the echo today showed that my lungs are putting a lot of pressure on my heart. So hes going to order a lung scan to see if there are blood clots or anything else.

I am fine with that. 

After all, I've only been trying to find out why my heart and lungs are fighting each other whenever I exert for a dozen or so years now. 

So, maybe I'm going to get some answers. Maybe its a relic from the cold, but if so, I would guess that that was a fortunately timed illness.

And the doctor's office later called to give me the number to call to schedule the scan. 

Definitely an interesting day, with weird little twists and turns to keep me alert, even when I was asleep.

Another Year Accomplished

I made it!
Through the holiday season and into a new year.
I made it.

There were times when I didn't think I would.
Times I didn't think it would matter if I did or not.
Times I wished it didn't matter.

Times I thought my weakness was an excuse for my own laziness and lack of motivation and all that kind of stuff.

But the closer it got to the actual holidays, the more I thought I couldn't taint the season for the littles.
At least not if I could help it.
Cardiac and pulmonary issues often times don't wait for the right time or respond well to willpower, especially when there are underlying mental issues.
But, if I could help it, I would.

I would do what I could to change my ~isolating~ circumstances.
I would try every day to live up to the commitments I've made.
I would try my hardest to do my best.

Somedays that barely gets me out of bed.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am trying my hardest.
Only God knows, I suppose, because I don't.

I want to be trying my hardest.
But it's so hard.
I'll try after I wake up more.
After I eat.
After I do this or that.
After it gets warm.
After the snow melts.
After the rain stops.
When the pain stops...


I'm thinking, now, that I'll probably make it past my birthday and even Valentine's Day.
Beyond that, I don't know. There's no feeling -- emotion --either way.
Of course, it isn't all up to me.
If it was, there'd not be the things of today. No little guy and girl. No Tammy or Tracy, even.
If it was -- ever -- up to me it would have ended more than a half-century ago.

I sometimes wonder if the sin was in continuing when I knew better,

I sometimes wonder that still.

More Dead than Dying

Most of the time I am functional. Some days I'm even doing pretty well.

But there are days when none of this is true.
There are days when I feel, not as if I may be dying, but that I am actually on the brink of death.

There are no dramatic symptoms. Not even fatigue.
There is nothing I could take to a doctor or hospital and say this, this, or that is more wrong with me today than it was yesterday, or an hour ago.

But I feel it.
Sometimes I can almost see it.

Death hovers; yet it is not Death itself, as an entity, that hovers.
It is I who hover.

No, there's no decision to be made.
No fears or delights to consider or overcome.
No choices.
No Stay or Go

This is just the place I am, at these times.

Suspended animation, perhaps.
A rest on the journey.
To who knows where.

At these times, it seems that the Walls Between, or the Veils, have become thin.
That whatever obscures those Dividers are in some sense swept aside.

Again, they are not pushed or pushing at me.
There is no pressure, no drive, nor even any specific knowledge of what awaits on the Other Side.

There is just the Presence of the Partition(s).

It may not be Death that is beyond.
It may be any of several other perceptions.
An astral dimension. Or dimensions.
Parallel universe.
Quantum physics -- the multiples of me "be"ing multiple.

In this state I sometimes see and hear Tammy trying to wake me.
I see and hear her panic when this other me does not waken easily, or respond.
Panic and sometimes sheer terror in her voice.

This has not happened; this has never happened.
It is something that I observe, through the veil.


In older novels, one reads of people with 'heart troubles' having sinking spells. These vague heart troubles, in many cases, are CHF. Undiagnosed; unspecified; usually manageable.
Most of these people have decent reasonable life spans in spite of, or perhaps because of the spells.
Perhaps they are a recharge for weakened spirits living in a weakened body with a weakened heart.

All I know, is that sometimes I am "there", for no reason that I can see.

It's a very otherly place, and I am grateful for it as I wait, once again, for the sinking spell to pass.
As it will.

As it WILL.

Some Improvement

For the second full week, my daily weight has been below 300 on my home scale.

Now I know daily weigh-ins are discouraged as part of a weight loss plan, but they are somewhat necessary with the CHF. Sudden weight gain could be the first warning sign of further problems/ loss of effectiveness/pulmonary edema.
The guidelines are 3 pounds a day, but I have always had the "ability" to add on about seven pounds overnight with no difficulty or health problems. The doctor says just watch for abnormal and keep track of other symptoms as well.

I have been somewhat productive around the house and yard, although sometimes it's quite a push to motivate me. I like to always do it later when i feel better.
But I have been doing it anyway.

My feet stay terribly swollen these days. Sometimes it hurts to walk on them. Sometimes its horrible to squeeze into shoes. Mentioned that to my PCP, and she looked and said well maybe.

Excuse me? You people (medical professionals) all insist that my damn legs are swelled when they are just extremely FAT. But I teeter in here on feet the size of volleyballs and you say maybe? Here's hoping -- on one hand -- that they are still swelled like that when I see the cardiologist. On the other hand, it would probably be really good if all that swelling went away. We could blame it on summer, or something like that.

Balancing the fluid intake thing has been a nightmare in the heat. I have a low tolerance for heat -- one memorable summer I was in ER three times for rehydration. And too much fluid now means I swell and breathe like a fish. Too little fluid means someone may have to pick me up off the floor, and at over 300 pounds, that's not a nice thing to do to anyone. Plus, you know, I'd hate for it to be falling off the toilet or before/while I'm still getting dressed. So embarrassing.

I think the difference is having the thyroid medicine back. I knew I needed it, but for some reason the blood tests weren't reflecting that need. Possibly the "within normal parameters" is a number too high or low for me to function optimally. Or some of my other medicine is causing a false reading.
I'd really like to be evaluated by an endocrinologist. But you can't exactly just call one up and say Hey, I want to see you.
I may "just" have an on again off again thyroid -- its been doing that for a couple of decades. But I'd like to be sure -- I suspect I have Hashimoto's, but have also been accused of imagining the worst. I'm not sure how or why having a diagnosis -- or even a probably not from a specialist -- is the worst, but that's the message I get. Some of my symptoms are NOT consistent.

But -- I am showing improvement in some small ways, and that's probably worth being happy about.

Not Quite Anything

Well, my fitness goals have had to undergo a few adjustments. They are not being abandoned, nor are they to be deemed completely impossible or unattainable.

BUT...
This long winter and my ongoing health problems, which worsened with the cold and windy and generally unstable weather conditions, have sent me on a journey.

The nutshell version is that my heart is giving out. Heart Failure.

There is no cause for this. No blocked arteries; no malfunctioning valves; no infection or obvious inflammation of the heart muscle; no structural damages; no prolonged bouts of high blood pressure. The one short spurt of high blood pressure was quickly brought under control -- and that was five years ago. (underactive thyroid.)

In the early 2000s (I'm thinking 03 or 04) I had a bad bout of walking pneumonia and a few months later had a heart murmur and a 'slightly enlarged' heart. No structural damage, and as time passed, the condition resolved itself.

I had an anomalous heart problem in October of 08 or 09. There was an acknowledgement of a 'syndrome'. But there were no observable malfunctions, obstructions, or anything that could be diagnosed and treated.

I later had another bout of prolonged pneumonia. And another heart murmur with enlargement of the right ventricle. This set off a whole array of symptoms and tests, but the results were the same. No structural damage. And, once again, the condition resolved.

This may have happened another time -- after so many years and all the things that have happened in the last few years, memories merge or muddle. It has happened enough that there is a faint pattern.

So now I have the symptoms and the struggles of congestive heart failure. The symptoms are somewhat worse than they have been, and show no signs of resolving at this time. I am retaining fluids, and other systems are being affected. My liver is awash.But there are still no signs of structural damage or physical cause. It's hard to breathe, especially when I change position. The fluid (congestion) residing in my pericardium squooshes my lungs until I can adjust. My C-PAP has been doing a wonderful job of keeping the fluids OUT of my lungs, so there is that.

There is no prognosis.
It's even fallen short of an actual diagnosis.

I have the symptoms of heart failure.
I am receiving/doing treatments for heart failure.
Treatments are as effective as they can be, all things considered. (CHF can be a temperamental condition, until it gets into the later stages.)

One part of the treatment is mild exercise as can be tolerated.
Sure wish I still had my gazelle, or my pedals, or something of that sort.
I can still walk.
On days that I actually can walk.
Hopefully I can build up endurance, and will be able to walk in the woods and hike in the hills.
Maybe someday I'll even be able to walk all the way through Kroger's store without muscle spasms and gasping like a fish.
Maybe.
I figure mountain climbing is out, though.
Deep sea diving may or may not work, depending on depth. The piped in air is part of advanced treatment of cardiopulmonary issues, after all.
Not so sure about skydiving. All that thinner atmosphere and atmospheric pressure.

That's the plan, and it IS an achievable goal (within reason.)

I'm still trying.