nope, not fit for anything

 It's been difficult, and it keeps getting worse. First my back and then when i finally got into walking again, and was gradually increasing my endurance, my knee went all wonky.

Sounds like more lazy-daisy excuses, but it's subjectively (or is it objectively?) true. I have MRIs to prove it. It may need surgery, and probably will, sooner or later. For now we are trying interim stuff, which, so far, is working well. I'm at least able to walk around my house without holding onto the walls and the furniture.

It's hurricane/headache season and it is miserably hot outside. Maybe it will rain. Maybe it won't. Probably it wont.

My hanging baskets that get full sun have been baked. 

My birdbath is scummy. Yuck.

Some of my newer plantings have not survived. 

I'm so tired. I sleep too much. I hurt too much.

On top of that.it seems that people are dying all around me. Old, young, contemporary. It's getting really sad, especially when it is the unborn and the newly born that are dying. Friends and their families are suffering.

Not from the stupid virus; not from the heat, not from any one thing. But everywhere there is death.

Of course, it always is, but usually more remotely. And , yes, these little spates of tragedies have happened before. 

Wake me when it's over.

If you must.

Crossed the Line

Well, it finally happened.

I am no longer prediabetic.
I'm diabetic.
Barely, but the numbers don't lie.
Nor does the way I feel (fatigued) or smell (like wet burned paper towels) or react (sleep)

A diagnosis for one part of my problems, too.


Another line I've crossed recently.
There have been days when I don't get dressed.
Or nights when I don't get undressed.
I sleep.
I only get up to go to the bathroom and every now and then make a sandwich.

Partly seasonal; partly situational.
Things change.

For all I know, it could be partly physical as well, since diabetes does contribute to depression.

That would be three sources.

Today has been a good day.
Hopefully there will be more. (I'm thinking the medicine is finally kicking in. It's been three weeks now.)

Oh, and my weight has gone down, for the most part. Fluctuating at 300 now instead of 310. I guess sleeping and not eating will do that for you. I'll keep that change if I can.

Sleeping is Scary

Someone seriously needs to work on the durability of sleep apnea masks. Insurance will pay for one a year, but my experience has been they last six months. Then you --I -- get to pay @ $200 to breathe the other half of the year.

Part of my feeling, with the kids moving away, was that I would be able to sleep without the mask when my sinuses are sensitive to touch. Sometimes the pain from the mask on top of my nose and cheekbones prevented sleep.

But, I don't sleep well without the mask. I guess I've got used to that hose blowing air in my face when I get too tired to breathe while sleeping. It does happen. I've lain semi-awake and thought about how much work just breathing can be. And waited for the puff of air that would stretch those ligaments and open those lungs.

So much work sometimes.

There have been nights I only did it because I didn't want to traumatize the kids by having them wake up with me dead beside them.
Or at least that's what I think I was thinking. Who really knows?

Other than the death thing, the sleep apnea is the probable cause of the pulmonary hypertension that is the probable cause of my slide into heart failure. Fortunately, my failure isnt too much advanced.

But, it's still pretty miserable. I hate not being able to walk to get around. I don't like having to stand or do work in short little bursts. It's frightening to gasp and choke. It's uncomfortable -- obviously -- to be in pain.

But sleeping well (and oxygenating) are kind of key to not getting any worse any faster.

Therefore, the manufacturers should (but probably won't) make more a more durable product. And I'm not really sure how they could do that, even from a user's point of view. Except a thicker materiel at the nose, and stick-out plastic clips will probably break off prematurely. The magnetic things work better.
Of course there are always weak points and problem spots. Nothing is perfect.

I would like to be part of the solutions, though, iunstead of JUST having/being problems.

Changes

I've been trying a few basic changes.

The results thus far rather are less than encouraging.

I have switched to wheat bread instead of white, and pretty much cut potatoes out. Not completely, but down to twice a week at most. Trying the not-white concept.
Also eating soup and crackers.

The results?

I am sleeping 15 hours a day.
Muscle spasms in my upper back (just below my shoulder blade on my right.)
Increased hip pain, both sides, but more on my right.
Something jumping around inside my rib cage (like a baby kicking) whenever I am lying down.
Not much energy for not much of anything. (most likely related to the sleeping, although unsure of the relationship.)
My heart pounding over the least exertion and extreme breathlessness. One of my prescriptions has expired, and I am stuck in the middle of the pharmacy says this and the doctor's says that and either neither is listening to the other, or no one at all is listening to me. (Nothing new there.)

I don't think most of this is related to the dietary changes. I think most of it is related to the need for dietary changes.

I swear that I can actually feel my metabolism slowing down. I wonder how slow one's metabolism gets before organ failure starts to happen. (Especially with a baby in my chest.)
My metabolism is currently averaging sloth; heading toward slug.

Or maybe I'm just trying to hibernate. It's done turned February cold in mid-December.
If that's the case, I have done my body a disservice changing those lovely snow colored carbs for dirt colored ones. Bears pack on the carbs to live off of while sleeping.

I have my next doctor visit on the 18th, and a visit to my cardiologist on January 17.

Thank goodness for Tammy and the kids. They won't let me turn into no more than a quivering lump.