Not Feeling too good

today has been weird, health wise. Woke up groggy, when I finally woke up. Blood pressure pretty low on first two readings -- needs to be watched. Lowering bp was why they first adjusted the first diuretics dosages, and this may be (or may not) a repeat of that. It did come up and stay up once I was up and moving around a bit.
My sugar is higher than I'm used to, too, My metabolism is seriously out of sync. I can feel that every day. Watch the numbers, watch the numbers. (Now, my numbers aren't all that bad -- one of my sisters would like to have my numbers, and her doctor would congratulate her if she did -- but they are running high for me, for the most part since just before I went to dr last week.)
I already have two more dr appointments set up regarding these changes, and everyone should be on the same page. one never knows for sure about communication on the other side.
Anyway, I'm off to write on one of my four stories, at least, and maybe all four of them until I fall both asleep and out of my chair. Actually, there's only three Works in Progress -- number four is an idea that is just beginning to germinate. I do wish it wouldn't, at least until the others have blossomed a little more (and maybe the one 'out there' begins to bear fruit) But, hey, it's spring. And Spring is all about germinating and growth that leads to blooming and bearing, so I guess I can't complain too much. Not justifiably, anyway.
So that's me for today.
Hope everyone else is doing even better

                                                                                               

                                                            

interesting day.

 I've certainly had that, an interesting day, today.

Got up and took a shower because I had an appointment to get an echo done on my heart. Mostly a routine thing; it's been two years and time to take an additional look and see if there's been any improvement or degradation. Inspired by the fact that if I sit down from standing it becomes harder to breathe for a few minutes. (Usually sitting down in is the best help for that problem.

I had my dr visit in early April. (It was due in February. Instead, thats when I called to make the appointment.) It was originally scheduled for Monday the 25th. 

I caught a cold (or something) and had to postpone for a week.

Which brings me to today. I went to the hospital for outpatient testing. My first fun event of the day. I knew where I needed to go and all that, but the lady on the telephone had given me instructions to go to the marked outpatient parking lot and enter from there. She also told me to park only in the marked outpatient parking spaces.

I knew from my dr visit a couple weeks ago (drs office is in same facility; different division.) that they were working in the parking lots, so okay. Never heard of that before, never saw any signs like that, but with all the construction going on, I'd better have a look around.

Drove as entirely around the structure as I could (construction blockages),twice. Never found nonexistent outpatient parking lot or spots. Lady must have mixed up her hospitals.

I did the test. In and out. Worst problem was walking the ninety miles of hallways from there to there to there.

For a nice change of pace, slow and steady got me through it without too much huffing, puffing, or holding onto the wall. Slow and steady does work, at least until I try to go a little faster. 

Come home, take off my shoes, set about the business of the day. Returning all the phone calls I had ignored the last two weeks while I was sick. Did some home stuff, read a little, took a nap.

More phone ringing. At first I thought it was on the tv, but it still rang after going to commercial, so I looked at the phone and it was an unknown Sardinia phone number. 

I thought it was one of the kids's schools calling, or something, although they don't have my new phone number if they ever even had my old one. 

It was my DOCTOR! NOT the office, but the actual doctor. 

He asked if I was using my C-Pap. How often I was using it. How long I was using it. (That one stumped me.) Was I sure I was using it? (I would say I had been overusing it, with that nasty cold and all. But I didn't say that out loud.)

Then he said that the echo today showed that my lungs are putting a lot of pressure on my heart. So hes going to order a lung scan to see if there are blood clots or anything else.

I am fine with that. 

After all, I've only been trying to find out why my heart and lungs are fighting each other whenever I exert for a dozen or so years now. 

So, maybe I'm going to get some answers. Maybe its a relic from the cold, but if so, I would guess that that was a fortunately timed illness.

And the doctor's office later called to give me the number to call to schedule the scan. 

Definitely an interesting day, with weird little twists and turns to keep me alert, even when I was asleep.

Yay Me

 Winter is a bad time for fresh air, exercise, fresh food, and many other things. Chronic ailments seem to intensify, fears are exaggerated, and nothing and no one feels quite in sync with the rest of Life. 

So, it has been winter.

The Fall (Autumn) was long and dreary. The run-up to the holidays is too often for too many a reminder of loss and loneliness. After the holidays, the darkness seems to set in, just when the outer darkness has begun to reverse itself. Maybe the powers of dark, having failed at holding the outer places is fighting for a foothold within? 

For a while now, I have had bad days and goods, with an average of one day a week being not worth getting out of bed for. (Except, y'know, going to the bathroom and such so the bed stays a comfortable place.)

But it's a new year, a new time, a new life, ha-ha, now. Time to do better. The new spring is coming. Sunlight is returning to the earth. 

It is time for change.

Change is hard to do at any time.

It's really hard to do from under the covers, in the bed, in the house with curtains closed and artificial or forced heat. 

I decided a while back -- can't recall when-- that if I could do nothing else, I would try to get at least a little bit of natural light every day. (Translation: open the curtains.)

Took a long time. Goes against the bad days. Hard to do. Every day it's not done, the next day is even more difficult. 

But I have done it, for a couple of weeks now. 

Not only the open curtains, which necessitate getting out of bed. 

I have got up, got dressed, and opened the corner and sat by the window every single day.

I didn't always stay up for very long, sometimes less than an hour, but I did get those things done for at least a while. For an impressive (to me) number of days in a row. 

There's nothing wrong with small goals. Victories are often an accumulation of them. 

And they are doable.

If you're in a bad place, start small. 

If you're in a dark place, maybe just open your eyes, whether it will make any difference to your seeing or not. It MAY make a difference to YOU. (It may not, but you won't know if you don't try.)

No matter what, it is an incredible sense of achievement, when you do it, first for five minutes, then ten; and eventually maybe two days in a row. 

Look at you!

You decided to do something, and then YOU DID IT! You are not a nobody nothing who can't ever do anything. 

ENJOY YOUR VICTORY.

starting over again.

 knee, back, knee, weather, car, coasts, depression, life, and everything else.

I'm still here and still trying.

It has become impossible for me to walk on a paved path in the woods.

This is NOR ACCEPTABLE.

But, between breaking and being fixed, I am now having to start all over again. The horrible gasping for air, even though I'm not really out of breath (figure that out; I can't.) has returned and I have to build up my endurance again.

I've spent my whole entire life starting over.

Could I please finish one  thing before starting the next one?

Could it please b a new goal, not a repeat of the last half dozen goals?

Ah well, it's better to have small attainable goals. That's what they say, anyway. Notso sure if I agree, but I have nothing else.

And, for all that I look like a lump of wobbly fat that does nothing, that's a difficult and boring way to live. If you even want to call that living. 

I don't. 

nope, not fit for anything

 It's been difficult, and it keeps getting worse. First my back and then when i finally got into walking again, and was gradually increasing my endurance, my knee went all wonky.

Sounds like more lazy-daisy excuses, but it's subjectively (or is it objectively?) true. I have MRIs to prove it. It may need surgery, and probably will, sooner or later. For now we are trying interim stuff, which, so far, is working well. I'm at least able to walk around my house without holding onto the walls and the furniture.

It's hurricane/headache season and it is miserably hot outside. Maybe it will rain. Maybe it won't. Probably it wont.

My hanging baskets that get full sun have been baked. 

My birdbath is scummy. Yuck.

Some of my newer plantings have not survived. 

I'm so tired. I sleep too much. I hurt too much.

On top of that.it seems that people are dying all around me. Old, young, contemporary. It's getting really sad, especially when it is the unborn and the newly born that are dying. Friends and their families are suffering.

Not from the stupid virus; not from the heat, not from any one thing. But everywhere there is death.

Of course, it always is, but usually more remotely. And , yes, these little spates of tragedies have happened before. 

Wake me when it's over.

If you must.

6/1/2021

 wow, has it been that long. I apologize to my loyal readers. The end of May was rough, It was completing the first year cycle of my daughter's death. Believe me, it was a difficult time. I tried to keep busy. I did keep busy. But every day it seemed more raw.

When it happened, it felt, for the longest time, as if I were inside one of my reality-straddling dream. And I wanted it to be. The days I didn't spend just breathing, going to the bathroom, and waiting to go back to sleep, I don't even remember. 

The world was closing down around me, but I hardly realized. It had already ended, in some ways, for me. So, I guess I was closing down, too.

As this anniversary approached I had to deal with the reality. I had to admit to it, look it in the face, and somehow get through it.

As I said, I have been keeping busy. My knee got all arthritic, which was really fun when the April Showers finally came -- late, like everything else in this craziness. Made it difficult to stand, to walk, to do anything. My car had a nervous breakdown, or maybe a psychotic break with delusions. (Or perhaps I was the one having delusions, etc.)

But I tried, I forced myself every day to move around, to get at least one chore done. 

I usually did it.

But May is here, even though Tammy still isn't. May will come again and she won't.

And I am here.

I must do better.

That is all.

And I am indeed trying, and have been trying through these last few weeks.

5/18/21

 Had my grandkids over the weekend. Attended a birthday party for one of my brothers's grandchild. Walked to the store with kids. David R, the kids's dad, changed my tire, so now when I drive it's with a baby tire on my left front, and the muffler clop-clopping down the street, and everything moaning and groaning. They'll hear me coming, that's for sure!

My diet is pretty steady for now, staying consistent. Weight is steady and going down, but in small increments. So small that it would take a digital scale to tell the difference. That's probably as it should be.

I have been doing some work in my flower beds as well, too. There's one I can't get in because of my knee, but the other two are doing okay. 

I'[m beginning to get restless and have an unfinished feeling if I don't get in a certain level of activity every day. That's probably a good thing, too.

Summer is rolling in like a steam roller, with the requisite humidity. I may have to move walking time to later in the day. Or perhaps earlier. 

5/11/2021

 here I am again. Finally getting my numbers under some kind of control. I'm at least more aware of the why when my sugar goes high and doesn't want to come down. Exercise helps a lot with that, by the way.

I'm doing fairly well about exercising or walking every day, and have even thought about doing both. But I am still very much at the stage of having to force myself to do one or the other, so maybe I'll put that off for a while. 

Hope I get over that reluctance soon, and I may, as I'm showing signs of minimal weight loss. I think part of the problem is that there is so much of me to haul around. 

Working with the flowers helps also. That's something I can do in small bits of time, and it definitely has immediate and pleasing results. I still haven't quite figured out how to manipulate me around my arthritic knee, but some attempts are semi-successful, for a minute or two. Since this pain doesn't look to be going anywhere, I had best learn to work around it or in spite of it.

May 8

A goal accomplished.  On Thursday the 6th of May, I not only walked around the block, I did so in a reasonable amount of time. (Still twice what it should have been, but better than I expected.) I even managed to do one long (for me; proportionately for the distance) stretch without stopping to breathe. 

Unfortunately for me, every time I went out it got cold and dark. I don't mind walking in the rain, but the rain lately has been mighty cold, and I didn't want to risk getting a cold shower I'd have to plod through to get back home. 

So I did my whole routine of back exercises all at one time. That takes a while, and a good amount of energy. Also, I hope it will loosen my hip where it kind of locks up, but not exactly. It just doesn't want to stretch.

My knee is still painful, although there is an ebb and flow to that. It also keeps raining in the night, even if the day is bright. Which it is not at times. 

Today I did the half block, after I had watched my friend put my flowers in the ground for me. The ones I bought Monday were starting to droop in spite of being rained on every night.  I also planted a few flowers she brought me. 

We sat on my porch and just visited for a while, which was as nice a giving as her saving my plants. 

After she left, I planted a couple more things she'd brought, and then I watered ones she hadn't got earlier. 

It was a nice way to spend some time.  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

May 5, 2021

 I'm getting behind here. I apologize.

It's been a rough week in many different ways. I did finally get rid of the headache, only to replace it with a painful knee. I played in my flower beds. When you're as big as a whale, it's very like playing when you're rolling around and crawling to get things done! Ya gotta make it fun.

It's also a lot of work.

I've been spending more time out on the porch or in the yard. Can't watch tv much right now, the Mother's Day commercials are getting to me. Makes it hard to want to get out of bed and open the curtains and door and let the light in.

Fortunately, it is time for the rent to be collected and I would be very embarrassed to have a need to answer the door in my sleep shirt. 

It's been raining quite a bit, which is good for the flowers and it is also rather soothing to watch and hear, and smell. 

Anyway, I'm hanging in there with my getting up and doing, although I desire to do more and I do try, but I'll try to do better. 

April 28, 2021

Another two days have passed, neither in idleness but neither in increasing activity. Especially not today! I did try, but pretty much fell into walls and out of chairs. It didn't seem like a good idea to go out in public.

Yesterday I woke up (got up) before Nine o'clock in the morning. Got up and had energy and all that stuff. Out away my laundry from Sunday, did some dishes, broomed the floor again, and even made a phone call to the pharmacy about my prescriptions. I have auto-refill, and I get 4 on one day, and another one three to five days later. I had the first notice but hadn't heard anything about the second, so I called and asked if they could tell me when it would be ready so I could only make one trip. 

Her response was "Give us a half an hour and well have it." She even went to make sure they had the medicine in stock. Very polite, cheerful  young (voice-wise) lady. 

So I went to Kroger's after I got the text that it was ready.

I picked up the prescriptions, did some shopping, and forced myself to walk the perimeter of the store. 

That sounds both lame and lazy, but I was -- and am -- still hurting from the planting and tugging and digging and all from the other day. Plus, my bad knee was starting to ache.For the first time in a few months I even considered using one of the wheelchair carts, but I told myself that if I could walk, I should walk. Fortunately there wasn't (surprise!) a line at the pharmacy. That helped tremendously. 

I stopped at a little specialty store and walked around their lot taking pictures of plants and yard decor. I was looking for flats of flowers and only finding pots, when my hips started saying they had been hauling me around for long enough, and I slowly made my way back to the car.

It was when I was getting in the car that I saw the other greenhouse tent where the flats were. 

Well, damn.

I'll go back another day.

And maybe remember to take my walking stick, or, if I'm in my own car, get my old lady assistant out of the trunk. That would be a walker with wheels. And I would do this BEFORE walking around the place. 

Last night I thought about writing, but I was feeling pretty tired, so decided I would just do it in the morning. 

Finished putting the groceries away, showered, ribbed medicine into all my aching parts, and went out to sit on my porch. I listened to frogs, and neighbors, and myriad sounds of a night in a rural town. 

Morning was a different story. I slept until 11, and then I could barely force myself to my feet. When I did get to my feet is when i tried to kiss the wall (the first time.) Between pain and unrelated dizziness, I was not off to a good start. I also had a pretty good headache going on. That was likely the root of the vertigo. 

Well, it was supposed to rain. We were supposed to have had rain overnight, and we did have a few light showers. By morning it was supposed to be raining steadily with the possibility of embedded thunderstorms.

The sun was shining brightly.

So I went ahead and watered my flowers that I hadn't done the night before because I was hoping for the rain. I could smell it coming. 

My friend brought me some more plants to plant. I told her where to put them -- I was afraid to try going down the porch steps -- and chatted with her, and then she left and I went inside and sat down. 

Woke up a couple-few hours later, perhaps less dizzy, but now both knees, my hips, my back and my wrists were all painful if I moved, and I had double vision. Bleh. 

 Finally.

Finally.

Finally it rained.

And rained. 

And rained a li'l bit more. 

With the rain the aching eased, head and bones alike.

So I went to see where I would put my plants tomorrow, and ended up doing half of them tonight. 

So, here I am now, capable of typing and reading the results. I can sit without leaning against the table or resting my head on the screen.

It's supposed to rain more overnight and into tomorrow, so I don't know what the day will bring. I hope to get the rest of my plants in the ground, but I don't have the bed ready where I want some specific one to go, so I don't know.

Should I get them in the ground if I can, and move them when I get the ground cleared?

Should I clear the ground first and plant them?

Clearing the ground is going to mean getting right down on it, and maybe in it, which will also mean getting back up from it. That's a lot more problematic.

Part of me is hoping it rains all day tomorrow and an other part of me says that in that case I can honor my daughter by taking a walk in the rain.

I kind of like that idea. 

Accountability: Day 3

 Well, yesterday (Sunday April 25, 2021) was pretty much a washout. Not quite. I redeemed myself at the end of the day.

Yesterday was one of the days when getting up is a notable achievement. I did --eventually -- get up, I even got dressed AND opened the curtain on my one window. I've been trying to make sure I get some exposure to natural light every day. Nature heals.

And on those down days, it feels even more important.

Later, I cooked some Manwich and tater tots, and put away a few groceries. 

Then I went to the laundromat and did my laundry. Washed, dried (mostly, because I couldn't remember if I had left a burner on) and carried back into the house. 

Today started not much better, with one exception. The sun was shining. Brightly, beamingly, annoyingly, loudly shining. It was horrible. Wonderfully horrible.

I got up for a little while., then sat back down and promptly went back to sleep. And I do mean promptly. I don't even remember the show coming back from commercial. 

A little later I did get up, and became a bit more productive. I swept the floors, and I started a pot of chili in my slow cooker. 

Then I went outside and weeded one flower bed and cleared out another one. Pulled horrible fat vines out of the ground, dug out sunken bricks, pulled and tugged and tossed and carried. Hung my hummingbird feeder. Climbed my ladder to change the outside light bulb, but couldn't get the screws loose on the light cover (outdoor equivalent of a lampshade). Even tried pliers, but my hands wouldn't hold on. Not to mention not even being able to see the top screw. Oh well. A couple trips up and down a ladder ought to count for exercise. It sure felt like it to my legs! Although that could have been the pulling and tugging talking.

Came in, ate my chili, went out and looked at the big ol' moon came back in and sorted some of my clothes, but not all. 

That winds up my day. 

I hope.

My back and my troublesome left knee are complaining loudly.

On the accountability scale. Did not walk. Big minus.

Did get moving on extras.

Did accomplish a few ordinary chores. 

2 + and one - means the + wins.

Trying again

Time to fire this ol' thing up again. I've had a lot of things happen since last I was here. Most of you reading know. For those who don't know the details, it really doesn't matter, except that it distracted me and now I must get myself back on track.

My weight, despite changes and diet and all that stubbornly clings to 300. It bounces up and down around that number, but it seems to be the anchor number. 

I am doing more, but I really can't seem to force myself into a routine. And changes are more easily made through an adaptable routine. Routine being the key word.

I went on a mini vacation with my sisters (and one of their friend) and I got in some of the kind of walking I enjoy. And I did enjoy it! 

I want to keep doing that, but I'm thinking I'm going to have to do a lot of boring walking around town and through stores, whether that's where I want to be or not. 

I am doing better. The walks I succeeded at in the mountains proved that to me. (Also proved that I am correct in saying "It may take me a while, but I CAN do it.)

What I need is some outward accountability. That is you, my friends. Please get on my case if I don't post something here regularly. I'd like to go every day, or every other day, but for now I'll accept a staring goal of twice a week. 

Please, if you can, help me hold myself accountable. If I can cure or adapt my physical problems, I am now free to do things I want, instead of just wishing and dreaming of doing them. I can even afford to do things, so long as I'm not reckless or extravagant.

This is important to me.

I will also benefit by getting back into the habit of writing regularly, which has been tricky with arthritis in my hands and ennui in my head. I don't like not writing meaningfully and frequently.

Here's to good habits and successful routines, and GETTING A LIFE.

Crossed the Line

Well, it finally happened.

I am no longer prediabetic.
I'm diabetic.
Barely, but the numbers don't lie.
Nor does the way I feel (fatigued) or smell (like wet burned paper towels) or react (sleep)

A diagnosis for one part of my problems, too.


Another line I've crossed recently.
There have been days when I don't get dressed.
Or nights when I don't get undressed.
I sleep.
I only get up to go to the bathroom and every now and then make a sandwich.

Partly seasonal; partly situational.
Things change.

For all I know, it could be partly physical as well, since diabetes does contribute to depression.

That would be three sources.

Today has been a good day.
Hopefully there will be more. (I'm thinking the medicine is finally kicking in. It's been three weeks now.)

Oh, and my weight has gone down, for the most part. Fluctuating at 300 now instead of 310. I guess sleeping and not eating will do that for you. I'll keep that change if I can.

Sleeping is Scary

Someone seriously needs to work on the durability of sleep apnea masks. Insurance will pay for one a year, but my experience has been they last six months. Then you --I -- get to pay @ $200 to breathe the other half of the year.

Part of my feeling, with the kids moving away, was that I would be able to sleep without the mask when my sinuses are sensitive to touch. Sometimes the pain from the mask on top of my nose and cheekbones prevented sleep.

But, I don't sleep well without the mask. I guess I've got used to that hose blowing air in my face when I get too tired to breathe while sleeping. It does happen. I've lain semi-awake and thought about how much work just breathing can be. And waited for the puff of air that would stretch those ligaments and open those lungs.

So much work sometimes.

There have been nights I only did it because I didn't want to traumatize the kids by having them wake up with me dead beside them.
Or at least that's what I think I was thinking. Who really knows?

Other than the death thing, the sleep apnea is the probable cause of the pulmonary hypertension that is the probable cause of my slide into heart failure. Fortunately, my failure isnt too much advanced.

But, it's still pretty miserable. I hate not being able to walk to get around. I don't like having to stand or do work in short little bursts. It's frightening to gasp and choke. It's uncomfortable -- obviously -- to be in pain.

But sleeping well (and oxygenating) are kind of key to not getting any worse any faster.

Therefore, the manufacturers should (but probably won't) make more a more durable product. And I'm not really sure how they could do that, even from a user's point of view. Except a thicker materiel at the nose, and stick-out plastic clips will probably break off prematurely. The magnetic things work better.
Of course there are always weak points and problem spots. Nothing is perfect.

I would like to be part of the solutions, though, iunstead of JUST having/being problems.

Another Year Accomplished

I made it!
Through the holiday season and into a new year.
I made it.

There were times when I didn't think I would.
Times I didn't think it would matter if I did or not.
Times I wished it didn't matter.

Times I thought my weakness was an excuse for my own laziness and lack of motivation and all that kind of stuff.

But the closer it got to the actual holidays, the more I thought I couldn't taint the season for the littles.
At least not if I could help it.
Cardiac and pulmonary issues often times don't wait for the right time or respond well to willpower, especially when there are underlying mental issues.
But, if I could help it, I would.

I would do what I could to change my ~isolating~ circumstances.
I would try every day to live up to the commitments I've made.
I would try my hardest to do my best.

Somedays that barely gets me out of bed.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am trying my hardest.
Only God knows, I suppose, because I don't.

I want to be trying my hardest.
But it's so hard.
I'll try after I wake up more.
After I eat.
After I do this or that.
After it gets warm.
After the snow melts.
After the rain stops.
When the pain stops...


I'm thinking, now, that I'll probably make it past my birthday and even Valentine's Day.
Beyond that, I don't know. There's no feeling -- emotion --either way.
Of course, it isn't all up to me.
If it was, there'd not be the things of today. No little guy and girl. No Tammy or Tracy, even.
If it was -- ever -- up to me it would have ended more than a half-century ago.

I sometimes wonder if the sin was in continuing when I knew better,

I sometimes wonder that still.

More Dead than Dying

Most of the time I am functional. Some days I'm even doing pretty well.

But there are days when none of this is true.
There are days when I feel, not as if I may be dying, but that I am actually on the brink of death.

There are no dramatic symptoms. Not even fatigue.
There is nothing I could take to a doctor or hospital and say this, this, or that is more wrong with me today than it was yesterday, or an hour ago.

But I feel it.
Sometimes I can almost see it.

Death hovers; yet it is not Death itself, as an entity, that hovers.
It is I who hover.

No, there's no decision to be made.
No fears or delights to consider or overcome.
No choices.
No Stay or Go

This is just the place I am, at these times.

Suspended animation, perhaps.
A rest on the journey.
To who knows where.

At these times, it seems that the Walls Between, or the Veils, have become thin.
That whatever obscures those Dividers are in some sense swept aside.

Again, they are not pushed or pushing at me.
There is no pressure, no drive, nor even any specific knowledge of what awaits on the Other Side.

There is just the Presence of the Partition(s).

It may not be Death that is beyond.
It may be any of several other perceptions.
An astral dimension. Or dimensions.
Parallel universe.
Quantum physics -- the multiples of me "be"ing multiple.

In this state I sometimes see and hear Tammy trying to wake me.
I see and hear her panic when this other me does not waken easily, or respond.
Panic and sometimes sheer terror in her voice.

This has not happened; this has never happened.
It is something that I observe, through the veil.


In older novels, one reads of people with 'heart troubles' having sinking spells. These vague heart troubles, in many cases, are CHF. Undiagnosed; unspecified; usually manageable.
Most of these people have decent reasonable life spans in spite of, or perhaps because of the spells.
Perhaps they are a recharge for weakened spirits living in a weakened body with a weakened heart.

All I know, is that sometimes I am "there", for no reason that I can see.

It's a very otherly place, and I am grateful for it as I wait, once again, for the sinking spell to pass.
As it will.

As it WILL.

Some Improvement

For the second full week, my daily weight has been below 300 on my home scale.

Now I know daily weigh-ins are discouraged as part of a weight loss plan, but they are somewhat necessary with the CHF. Sudden weight gain could be the first warning sign of further problems/ loss of effectiveness/pulmonary edema.
The guidelines are 3 pounds a day, but I have always had the "ability" to add on about seven pounds overnight with no difficulty or health problems. The doctor says just watch for abnormal and keep track of other symptoms as well.

I have been somewhat productive around the house and yard, although sometimes it's quite a push to motivate me. I like to always do it later when i feel better.
But I have been doing it anyway.

My feet stay terribly swollen these days. Sometimes it hurts to walk on them. Sometimes its horrible to squeeze into shoes. Mentioned that to my PCP, and she looked and said well maybe.

Excuse me? You people (medical professionals) all insist that my damn legs are swelled when they are just extremely FAT. But I teeter in here on feet the size of volleyballs and you say maybe? Here's hoping -- on one hand -- that they are still swelled like that when I see the cardiologist. On the other hand, it would probably be really good if all that swelling went away. We could blame it on summer, or something like that.

Balancing the fluid intake thing has been a nightmare in the heat. I have a low tolerance for heat -- one memorable summer I was in ER three times for rehydration. And too much fluid now means I swell and breathe like a fish. Too little fluid means someone may have to pick me up off the floor, and at over 300 pounds, that's not a nice thing to do to anyone. Plus, you know, I'd hate for it to be falling off the toilet or before/while I'm still getting dressed. So embarrassing.

I think the difference is having the thyroid medicine back. I knew I needed it, but for some reason the blood tests weren't reflecting that need. Possibly the "within normal parameters" is a number too high or low for me to function optimally. Or some of my other medicine is causing a false reading.
I'd really like to be evaluated by an endocrinologist. But you can't exactly just call one up and say Hey, I want to see you.
I may "just" have an on again off again thyroid -- its been doing that for a couple of decades. But I'd like to be sure -- I suspect I have Hashimoto's, but have also been accused of imagining the worst. I'm not sure how or why having a diagnosis -- or even a probably not from a specialist -- is the worst, but that's the message I get. Some of my symptoms are NOT consistent.

But -- I am showing improvement in some small ways, and that's probably worth being happy about.

Legs

Hooray! I can exercise my legs without scaring my heartbeat and drowning from lack of breathing.
It's not just my legs. I can do hips and even waist, so long as I'm seated or lying down.


I WANT TO WALK!
I miss long rambling walks.
I miss quick trots (so to speak)

So, the legs are a good place to start.
That's one reason why I wish my pedal thing hadn't fallen apart.
I wish I still had my gazelle, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. It involves standing and moving-- both at the same time. That's a problem. For now.

I do get terrible cramps in my butt muscles, where the holes in the hip bones are.
I get sore in my groin joints and my knees get tender.
My traitorous back ties itself in knots.

I'm still bloated. They keep telling me my legs are really swollen, but I still don't see that. My legs just look like my same-ol' fat legs to me. Heck, I can even see my little round ankle bones once again. Haven't been able to do that for a while.

My feet, however do swell tremendously. My feet look like balls with toes. Even Hailey has commented on them. Usually not painful, but cartoonish to look at.


Health professionals still on their "lose weight" mantra.
Still refusing to believe my food diary or reports. Insisting exercise is the answer even with limited mobility. Haven't yet figured out how to move without moving. (I did semi-research joining the Y for swimmercise but too expensive and too far to drive with gas prices push-push-pushing $3.)

I think I am losing weight. I think my body is turning everything into water. Water is NOT weightless. The way my clothes fit is changing. That's almost always the first clue. My  pants are getting longer and the waistbands (on any and all types of clothes) are rubbing.
The scale is as always -- bouncing between 7 to 10 pounds different from day to day. They say to report weight gain that high but that is and always has been normal for me.

This weather hasn't made being able to "do" an easy option. By "do" I mean things like walk to my car, stand at the sink, take a shower.
Oh, to live where it is forever spring or fall! With sunshine and showers for the Glorious Fourth and snow for Christmas. the end.

All I can do is try and do what I find I can, I suppose.
Starting with the legs.

This Stinks

And, by this, I mean me.

Not just me, but quite likely, a lot of old(er) people and anyone on metabolism-changing medicine.

It's not quite an accepted fact, but there is anecdotal support for the idea. Ask anyone who is taking any of those medicines. They will often complain of, or just comment on, changes in their personal scent. Metformin, statins, beta blockers, insulin or insulin substitutes, thyroid supplements, even, in some cases, the proton pump inhibitors used for GERD or even 'just' excess gas.
Any of these drugs that are involved in the basic working of your basic cellular functions can and often do affect the smell given off by your body.

It's not unprecedented.
Persons in ketoacidosis are often reported to smell sweet.
Of course many hormonal disturbances are known to cause these changes. Ask any woman who has used birth control, or gone through pregnancy, and/or menopause.

Nearly everyone knows some old person that just has that old person smell. I'm not sure, at this point, if that old person smell is from the shutting down of the normal metabolic process, or of it's from the artificially induced revamping of said process. It is most likely a combination of both, or it could be either/or. After all, old people smell has been around as long as there have been old people.

I've been especially aware of this lately because it is something I have always had an issue with.
Stress hormones are real, and I am someone who finds just speaking to people to be extremely stressful. Throw in working or driving, or doing math (my first jobs involved a lot of arithmetic!), and one could probably see the stench rolling off me like the fumes off Pepe LePew.

It seems to be a family thing, as I've noticed it in my daughters and have even become suspicious that my grandson may have this unfortunate condition. Thank goodness he's a boy, because males are generally given more room when it comes to natural fragrance. (At least for now. The way the world is going, it may be a social crime fr him to not smell of flowers and lemons when he is grown. I hope not.)

Anyway, to all those offended -- Yes, I see you flinch and inch away from me; in the schoolroom, in the grocery store, in the library, at the doctor's offices -- it's not my fault.

I'm sorry.

I am clean.
I wash several times a day.
Use deodorant.

I'm sorry.

Remember that you too may be old someday and your body will do things you'd rather it didn't.

Remember that you may reap what you sow.
I hope you choose compassion and sympathy and understanding.
I hope you can be thoughtful and supportive.
I hope no one flinches to get away from you.
I hope no one avoids you when you are already isolated by what you cannot do anymore.

Because now we don't even have talcum powder.