May 5, 2021

 I'm getting behind here. I apologize.

It's been a rough week in many different ways. I did finally get rid of the headache, only to replace it with a painful knee. I played in my flower beds. When you're as big as a whale, it's very like playing when you're rolling around and crawling to get things done! Ya gotta make it fun.

It's also a lot of work.

I've been spending more time out on the porch or in the yard. Can't watch tv much right now, the Mother's Day commercials are getting to me. Makes it hard to want to get out of bed and open the curtains and door and let the light in.

Fortunately, it is time for the rent to be collected and I would be very embarrassed to have a need to answer the door in my sleep shirt. 

It's been raining quite a bit, which is good for the flowers and it is also rather soothing to watch and hear, and smell. 

Anyway, I'm hanging in there with my getting up and doing, although I desire to do more and I do try, but I'll try to do better. 

April 28, 2021

Another two days have passed, neither in idleness but neither in increasing activity. Especially not today! I did try, but pretty much fell into walls and out of chairs. It didn't seem like a good idea to go out in public.

Yesterday I woke up (got up) before Nine o'clock in the morning. Got up and had energy and all that stuff. Out away my laundry from Sunday, did some dishes, broomed the floor again, and even made a phone call to the pharmacy about my prescriptions. I have auto-refill, and I get 4 on one day, and another one three to five days later. I had the first notice but hadn't heard anything about the second, so I called and asked if they could tell me when it would be ready so I could only make one trip. 

Her response was "Give us a half an hour and well have it." She even went to make sure they had the medicine in stock. Very polite, cheerful  young (voice-wise) lady. 

So I went to Kroger's after I got the text that it was ready.

I picked up the prescriptions, did some shopping, and forced myself to walk the perimeter of the store. 

That sounds both lame and lazy, but I was -- and am -- still hurting from the planting and tugging and digging and all from the other day. Plus, my bad knee was starting to ache.For the first time in a few months I even considered using one of the wheelchair carts, but I told myself that if I could walk, I should walk. Fortunately there wasn't (surprise!) a line at the pharmacy. That helped tremendously. 

I stopped at a little specialty store and walked around their lot taking pictures of plants and yard decor. I was looking for flats of flowers and only finding pots, when my hips started saying they had been hauling me around for long enough, and I slowly made my way back to the car.

It was when I was getting in the car that I saw the other greenhouse tent where the flats were. 

Well, damn.

I'll go back another day.

And maybe remember to take my walking stick, or, if I'm in my own car, get my old lady assistant out of the trunk. That would be a walker with wheels. And I would do this BEFORE walking around the place. 

Last night I thought about writing, but I was feeling pretty tired, so decided I would just do it in the morning. 

Finished putting the groceries away, showered, ribbed medicine into all my aching parts, and went out to sit on my porch. I listened to frogs, and neighbors, and myriad sounds of a night in a rural town. 

Morning was a different story. I slept until 11, and then I could barely force myself to my feet. When I did get to my feet is when i tried to kiss the wall (the first time.) Between pain and unrelated dizziness, I was not off to a good start. I also had a pretty good headache going on. That was likely the root of the vertigo. 

Well, it was supposed to rain. We were supposed to have had rain overnight, and we did have a few light showers. By morning it was supposed to be raining steadily with the possibility of embedded thunderstorms.

The sun was shining brightly.

So I went ahead and watered my flowers that I hadn't done the night before because I was hoping for the rain. I could smell it coming. 

My friend brought me some more plants to plant. I told her where to put them -- I was afraid to try going down the porch steps -- and chatted with her, and then she left and I went inside and sat down. 

Woke up a couple-few hours later, perhaps less dizzy, but now both knees, my hips, my back and my wrists were all painful if I moved, and I had double vision. Bleh. 

 Finally.

Finally.

Finally it rained.

And rained. 

And rained a li'l bit more. 

With the rain the aching eased, head and bones alike.

So I went to see where I would put my plants tomorrow, and ended up doing half of them tonight. 

So, here I am now, capable of typing and reading the results. I can sit without leaning against the table or resting my head on the screen.

It's supposed to rain more overnight and into tomorrow, so I don't know what the day will bring. I hope to get the rest of my plants in the ground, but I don't have the bed ready where I want some specific one to go, so I don't know.

Should I get them in the ground if I can, and move them when I get the ground cleared?

Should I clear the ground first and plant them?

Clearing the ground is going to mean getting right down on it, and maybe in it, which will also mean getting back up from it. That's a lot more problematic.

Part of me is hoping it rains all day tomorrow and an other part of me says that in that case I can honor my daughter by taking a walk in the rain.

I kind of like that idea. 

Accountability: Day 3

 Well, yesterday (Sunday April 25, 2021) was pretty much a washout. Not quite. I redeemed myself at the end of the day.

Yesterday was one of the days when getting up is a notable achievement. I did --eventually -- get up, I even got dressed AND opened the curtain on my one window. I've been trying to make sure I get some exposure to natural light every day. Nature heals.

And on those down days, it feels even more important.

Later, I cooked some Manwich and tater tots, and put away a few groceries. 

Then I went to the laundromat and did my laundry. Washed, dried (mostly, because I couldn't remember if I had left a burner on) and carried back into the house. 

Today started not much better, with one exception. The sun was shining. Brightly, beamingly, annoyingly, loudly shining. It was horrible. Wonderfully horrible.

I got up for a little while., then sat back down and promptly went back to sleep. And I do mean promptly. I don't even remember the show coming back from commercial. 

A little later I did get up, and became a bit more productive. I swept the floors, and I started a pot of chili in my slow cooker. 

Then I went outside and weeded one flower bed and cleared out another one. Pulled horrible fat vines out of the ground, dug out sunken bricks, pulled and tugged and tossed and carried. Hung my hummingbird feeder. Climbed my ladder to change the outside light bulb, but couldn't get the screws loose on the light cover (outdoor equivalent of a lampshade). Even tried pliers, but my hands wouldn't hold on. Not to mention not even being able to see the top screw. Oh well. A couple trips up and down a ladder ought to count for exercise. It sure felt like it to my legs! Although that could have been the pulling and tugging talking.

Came in, ate my chili, went out and looked at the big ol' moon came back in and sorted some of my clothes, but not all. 

That winds up my day. 

I hope.

My back and my troublesome left knee are complaining loudly.

On the accountability scale. Did not walk. Big minus.

Did get moving on extras.

Did accomplish a few ordinary chores. 

2 + and one - means the + wins.

Trying again

Time to fire this ol' thing up again. I've had a lot of things happen since last I was here. Most of you reading know. For those who don't know the details, it really doesn't matter, except that it distracted me and now I must get myself back on track.

My weight, despite changes and diet and all that stubbornly clings to 300. It bounces up and down around that number, but it seems to be the anchor number. 

I am doing more, but I really can't seem to force myself into a routine. And changes are more easily made through an adaptable routine. Routine being the key word.

I went on a mini vacation with my sisters (and one of their friend) and I got in some of the kind of walking I enjoy. And I did enjoy it! 

I want to keep doing that, but I'm thinking I'm going to have to do a lot of boring walking around town and through stores, whether that's where I want to be or not. 

I am doing better. The walks I succeeded at in the mountains proved that to me. (Also proved that I am correct in saying "It may take me a while, but I CAN do it.)

What I need is some outward accountability. That is you, my friends. Please get on my case if I don't post something here regularly. I'd like to go every day, or every other day, but for now I'll accept a staring goal of twice a week. 

Please, if you can, help me hold myself accountable. If I can cure or adapt my physical problems, I am now free to do things I want, instead of just wishing and dreaming of doing them. I can even afford to do things, so long as I'm not reckless or extravagant.

This is important to me.

I will also benefit by getting back into the habit of writing regularly, which has been tricky with arthritis in my hands and ennui in my head. I don't like not writing meaningfully and frequently.

Here's to good habits and successful routines, and GETTING A LIFE.

Crossed the Line

Well, it finally happened.

I am no longer prediabetic.
I'm diabetic.
Barely, but the numbers don't lie.
Nor does the way I feel (fatigued) or smell (like wet burned paper towels) or react (sleep)

A diagnosis for one part of my problems, too.


Another line I've crossed recently.
There have been days when I don't get dressed.
Or nights when I don't get undressed.
I sleep.
I only get up to go to the bathroom and every now and then make a sandwich.

Partly seasonal; partly situational.
Things change.

For all I know, it could be partly physical as well, since diabetes does contribute to depression.

That would be three sources.

Today has been a good day.
Hopefully there will be more. (I'm thinking the medicine is finally kicking in. It's been three weeks now.)

Oh, and my weight has gone down, for the most part. Fluctuating at 300 now instead of 310. I guess sleeping and not eating will do that for you. I'll keep that change if I can.

Sleeping is Scary

Someone seriously needs to work on the durability of sleep apnea masks. Insurance will pay for one a year, but my experience has been they last six months. Then you --I -- get to pay @ $200 to breathe the other half of the year.

Part of my feeling, with the kids moving away, was that I would be able to sleep without the mask when my sinuses are sensitive to touch. Sometimes the pain from the mask on top of my nose and cheekbones prevented sleep.

But, I don't sleep well without the mask. I guess I've got used to that hose blowing air in my face when I get too tired to breathe while sleeping. It does happen. I've lain semi-awake and thought about how much work just breathing can be. And waited for the puff of air that would stretch those ligaments and open those lungs.

So much work sometimes.

There have been nights I only did it because I didn't want to traumatize the kids by having them wake up with me dead beside them.
Or at least that's what I think I was thinking. Who really knows?

Other than the death thing, the sleep apnea is the probable cause of the pulmonary hypertension that is the probable cause of my slide into heart failure. Fortunately, my failure isnt too much advanced.

But, it's still pretty miserable. I hate not being able to walk to get around. I don't like having to stand or do work in short little bursts. It's frightening to gasp and choke. It's uncomfortable -- obviously -- to be in pain.

But sleeping well (and oxygenating) are kind of key to not getting any worse any faster.

Therefore, the manufacturers should (but probably won't) make more a more durable product. And I'm not really sure how they could do that, even from a user's point of view. Except a thicker materiel at the nose, and stick-out plastic clips will probably break off prematurely. The magnetic things work better.
Of course there are always weak points and problem spots. Nothing is perfect.

I would like to be part of the solutions, though, iunstead of JUST having/being problems.

Another Year Accomplished

I made it!
Through the holiday season and into a new year.
I made it.

There were times when I didn't think I would.
Times I didn't think it would matter if I did or not.
Times I wished it didn't matter.

Times I thought my weakness was an excuse for my own laziness and lack of motivation and all that kind of stuff.

But the closer it got to the actual holidays, the more I thought I couldn't taint the season for the littles.
At least not if I could help it.
Cardiac and pulmonary issues often times don't wait for the right time or respond well to willpower, especially when there are underlying mental issues.
But, if I could help it, I would.

I would do what I could to change my ~isolating~ circumstances.
I would try every day to live up to the commitments I've made.
I would try my hardest to do my best.

Somedays that barely gets me out of bed.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am trying my hardest.
Only God knows, I suppose, because I don't.

I want to be trying my hardest.
But it's so hard.
I'll try after I wake up more.
After I eat.
After I do this or that.
After it gets warm.
After the snow melts.
After the rain stops.
When the pain stops...


I'm thinking, now, that I'll probably make it past my birthday and even Valentine's Day.
Beyond that, I don't know. There's no feeling -- emotion --either way.
Of course, it isn't all up to me.
If it was, there'd not be the things of today. No little guy and girl. No Tammy or Tracy, even.
If it was -- ever -- up to me it would have ended more than a half-century ago.

I sometimes wonder if the sin was in continuing when I knew better,

I sometimes wonder that still.