Crossed the Line

Well, it finally happened.

I am no longer prediabetic.
I'm diabetic.
Barely, but the numbers don't lie.
Nor does the way I feel (fatigued) or smell (like wet burned paper towels) or react (sleep)

A diagnosis for one part of my problems, too.


Another line I've crossed recently.
There have been days when I don't get dressed.
Or nights when I don't get undressed.
I sleep.
I only get up to go to the bathroom and every now and then make a sandwich.

Partly seasonal; partly situational.
Things change.

For all I know, it could be partly physical as well, since diabetes does contribute to depression.

That would be three sources.

Today has been a good day.
Hopefully there will be more. (I'm thinking the medicine is finally kicking in. It's been three weeks now.)

Oh, and my weight has gone down, for the most part. Fluctuating at 300 now instead of 310. I guess sleeping and not eating will do that for you. I'll keep that change if I can.

Sleeping is Scary

Someone seriously needs to work on the durability of sleep apnea masks. Insurance will pay for one a year, but my experience has been they last six months. Then you --I -- get to pay @ $200 to breathe the other half of the year.

Part of my feeling, with the kids moving away, was that I would be able to sleep without the mask when my sinuses are sensitive to touch. Sometimes the pain from the mask on top of my nose and cheekbones prevented sleep.

But, I don't sleep well without the mask. I guess I've got used to that hose blowing air in my face when I get too tired to breathe while sleeping. It does happen. I've lain semi-awake and thought about how much work just breathing can be. And waited for the puff of air that would stretch those ligaments and open those lungs.

So much work sometimes.

There have been nights I only did it because I didn't want to traumatize the kids by having them wake up with me dead beside them.
Or at least that's what I think I was thinking. Who really knows?

Other than the death thing, the sleep apnea is the probable cause of the pulmonary hypertension that is the probable cause of my slide into heart failure. Fortunately, my failure isnt too much advanced.

But, it's still pretty miserable. I hate not being able to walk to get around. I don't like having to stand or do work in short little bursts. It's frightening to gasp and choke. It's uncomfortable -- obviously -- to be in pain.

But sleeping well (and oxygenating) are kind of key to not getting any worse any faster.

Therefore, the manufacturers should (but probably won't) make more a more durable product. And I'm not really sure how they could do that, even from a user's point of view. Except a thicker materiel at the nose, and stick-out plastic clips will probably break off prematurely. The magnetic things work better.
Of course there are always weak points and problem spots. Nothing is perfect.

I would like to be part of the solutions, though, iunstead of JUST having/being problems.

Another Year Accomplished

I made it!
Through the holiday season and into a new year.
I made it.

There were times when I didn't think I would.
Times I didn't think it would matter if I did or not.
Times I wished it didn't matter.

Times I thought my weakness was an excuse for my own laziness and lack of motivation and all that kind of stuff.

But the closer it got to the actual holidays, the more I thought I couldn't taint the season for the littles.
At least not if I could help it.
Cardiac and pulmonary issues often times don't wait for the right time or respond well to willpower, especially when there are underlying mental issues.
But, if I could help it, I would.

I would do what I could to change my ~isolating~ circumstances.
I would try every day to live up to the commitments I've made.
I would try my hardest to do my best.

Somedays that barely gets me out of bed.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am trying my hardest.
Only God knows, I suppose, because I don't.

I want to be trying my hardest.
But it's so hard.
I'll try after I wake up more.
After I eat.
After I do this or that.
After it gets warm.
After the snow melts.
After the rain stops.
When the pain stops...


I'm thinking, now, that I'll probably make it past my birthday and even Valentine's Day.
Beyond that, I don't know. There's no feeling -- emotion --either way.
Of course, it isn't all up to me.
If it was, there'd not be the things of today. No little guy and girl. No Tammy or Tracy, even.
If it was -- ever -- up to me it would have ended more than a half-century ago.

I sometimes wonder if the sin was in continuing when I knew better,

I sometimes wonder that still.