More Dead than Dying

Most of the time I am functional. Some days I'm even doing pretty well.

But there are days when none of this is true.
There are days when I feel, not as if I may be dying, but that I am actually on the brink of death.

There are no dramatic symptoms. Not even fatigue.
There is nothing I could take to a doctor or hospital and say this, this, or that is more wrong with me today than it was yesterday, or an hour ago.

But I feel it.
Sometimes I can almost see it.

Death hovers; yet it is not Death itself, as an entity, that hovers.
It is I who hover.

No, there's no decision to be made.
No fears or delights to consider or overcome.
No choices.
No Stay or Go

This is just the place I am, at these times.

Suspended animation, perhaps.
A rest on the journey.
To who knows where.

At these times, it seems that the Walls Between, or the Veils, have become thin.
That whatever obscures those Dividers are in some sense swept aside.

Again, they are not pushed or pushing at me.
There is no pressure, no drive, nor even any specific knowledge of what awaits on the Other Side.

There is just the Presence of the Partition(s).

It may not be Death that is beyond.
It may be any of several other perceptions.
An astral dimension. Or dimensions.
Parallel universe.
Quantum physics -- the multiples of me "be"ing multiple.

In this state I sometimes see and hear Tammy trying to wake me.
I see and hear her panic when this other me does not waken easily, or respond.
Panic and sometimes sheer terror in her voice.

This has not happened; this has never happened.
It is something that I observe, through the veil.


In older novels, one reads of people with 'heart troubles' having sinking spells. These vague heart troubles, in many cases, are CHF. Undiagnosed; unspecified; usually manageable.
Most of these people have decent reasonable life spans in spite of, or perhaps because of the spells.
Perhaps they are a recharge for weakened spirits living in a weakened body with a weakened heart.

All I know, is that sometimes I am "there", for no reason that I can see.

It's a very otherly place, and I am grateful for it as I wait, once again, for the sinking spell to pass.
As it will.

As it WILL.

Some Improvement

For the second full week, my daily weight has been below 300 on my home scale.

Now I know daily weigh-ins are discouraged as part of a weight loss plan, but they are somewhat necessary with the CHF. Sudden weight gain could be the first warning sign of further problems/ loss of effectiveness/pulmonary edema.
The guidelines are 3 pounds a day, but I have always had the "ability" to add on about seven pounds overnight with no difficulty or health problems. The doctor says just watch for abnormal and keep track of other symptoms as well.

I have been somewhat productive around the house and yard, although sometimes it's quite a push to motivate me. I like to always do it later when i feel better.
But I have been doing it anyway.

My feet stay terribly swollen these days. Sometimes it hurts to walk on them. Sometimes its horrible to squeeze into shoes. Mentioned that to my PCP, and she looked and said well maybe.

Excuse me? You people (medical professionals) all insist that my damn legs are swelled when they are just extremely FAT. But I teeter in here on feet the size of volleyballs and you say maybe? Here's hoping -- on one hand -- that they are still swelled like that when I see the cardiologist. On the other hand, it would probably be really good if all that swelling went away. We could blame it on summer, or something like that.

Balancing the fluid intake thing has been a nightmare in the heat. I have a low tolerance for heat -- one memorable summer I was in ER three times for rehydration. And too much fluid now means I swell and breathe like a fish. Too little fluid means someone may have to pick me up off the floor, and at over 300 pounds, that's not a nice thing to do to anyone. Plus, you know, I'd hate for it to be falling off the toilet or before/while I'm still getting dressed. So embarrassing.

I think the difference is having the thyroid medicine back. I knew I needed it, but for some reason the blood tests weren't reflecting that need. Possibly the "within normal parameters" is a number too high or low for me to function optimally. Or some of my other medicine is causing a false reading.
I'd really like to be evaluated by an endocrinologist. But you can't exactly just call one up and say Hey, I want to see you.
I may "just" have an on again off again thyroid -- its been doing that for a couple of decades. But I'd like to be sure -- I suspect I have Hashimoto's, but have also been accused of imagining the worst. I'm not sure how or why having a diagnosis -- or even a probably not from a specialist -- is the worst, but that's the message I get. Some of my symptoms are NOT consistent.

But -- I am showing improvement in some small ways, and that's probably worth being happy about.

Legs

Hooray! I can exercise my legs without scaring my heartbeat and drowning from lack of breathing.
It's not just my legs. I can do hips and even waist, so long as I'm seated or lying down.


I WANT TO WALK!
I miss long rambling walks.
I miss quick trots (so to speak)

So, the legs are a good place to start.
That's one reason why I wish my pedal thing hadn't fallen apart.
I wish I still had my gazelle, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. It involves standing and moving-- both at the same time. That's a problem. For now.

I do get terrible cramps in my butt muscles, where the holes in the hip bones are.
I get sore in my groin joints and my knees get tender.
My traitorous back ties itself in knots.

I'm still bloated. They keep telling me my legs are really swollen, but I still don't see that. My legs just look like my same-ol' fat legs to me. Heck, I can even see my little round ankle bones once again. Haven't been able to do that for a while.

My feet, however do swell tremendously. My feet look like balls with toes. Even Hailey has commented on them. Usually not painful, but cartoonish to look at.


Health professionals still on their "lose weight" mantra.
Still refusing to believe my food diary or reports. Insisting exercise is the answer even with limited mobility. Haven't yet figured out how to move without moving. (I did semi-research joining the Y for swimmercise but too expensive and too far to drive with gas prices push-push-pushing $3.)

I think I am losing weight. I think my body is turning everything into water. Water is NOT weightless. The way my clothes fit is changing. That's almost always the first clue. My  pants are getting longer and the waistbands (on any and all types of clothes) are rubbing.
The scale is as always -- bouncing between 7 to 10 pounds different from day to day. They say to report weight gain that high but that is and always has been normal for me.

This weather hasn't made being able to "do" an easy option. By "do" I mean things like walk to my car, stand at the sink, take a shower.
Oh, to live where it is forever spring or fall! With sunshine and showers for the Glorious Fourth and snow for Christmas. the end.

All I can do is try and do what I find I can, I suppose.
Starting with the legs.

This Stinks

And, by this, I mean me.

Not just me, but quite likely, a lot of old(er) people and anyone on metabolism-changing medicine.

It's not quite an accepted fact, but there is anecdotal support for the idea. Ask anyone who is taking any of those medicines. They will often complain of, or just comment on, changes in their personal scent. Metformin, statins, beta blockers, insulin or insulin substitutes, thyroid supplements, even, in some cases, the proton pump inhibitors used for GERD or even 'just' excess gas.
Any of these drugs that are involved in the basic working of your basic cellular functions can and often do affect the smell given off by your body.

It's not unprecedented.
Persons in ketoacidosis are often reported to smell sweet.
Of course many hormonal disturbances are known to cause these changes. Ask any woman who has used birth control, or gone through pregnancy, and/or menopause.

Nearly everyone knows some old person that just has that old person smell. I'm not sure, at this point, if that old person smell is from the shutting down of the normal metabolic process, or of it's from the artificially induced revamping of said process. It is most likely a combination of both, or it could be either/or. After all, old people smell has been around as long as there have been old people.

I've been especially aware of this lately because it is something I have always had an issue with.
Stress hormones are real, and I am someone who finds just speaking to people to be extremely stressful. Throw in working or driving, or doing math (my first jobs involved a lot of arithmetic!), and one could probably see the stench rolling off me like the fumes off Pepe LePew.

It seems to be a family thing, as I've noticed it in my daughters and have even become suspicious that my grandson may have this unfortunate condition. Thank goodness he's a boy, because males are generally given more room when it comes to natural fragrance. (At least for now. The way the world is going, it may be a social crime fr him to not smell of flowers and lemons when he is grown. I hope not.)

Anyway, to all those offended -- Yes, I see you flinch and inch away from me; in the schoolroom, in the grocery store, in the library, at the doctor's offices -- it's not my fault.

I'm sorry.

I am clean.
I wash several times a day.
Use deodorant.

I'm sorry.

Remember that you too may be old someday and your body will do things you'd rather it didn't.

Remember that you may reap what you sow.
I hope you choose compassion and sympathy and understanding.
I hope you can be thoughtful and supportive.
I hope no one flinches to get away from you.
I hope no one avoids you when you are already isolated by what you cannot do anymore.

Because now we don't even have talcum powder.

Not Quite Anything

Well, my fitness goals have had to undergo a few adjustments. They are not being abandoned, nor are they to be deemed completely impossible or unattainable.

BUT...
This long winter and my ongoing health problems, which worsened with the cold and windy and generally unstable weather conditions, have sent me on a journey.

The nutshell version is that my heart is giving out. Heart Failure.

There is no cause for this. No blocked arteries; no malfunctioning valves; no infection or obvious inflammation of the heart muscle; no structural damages; no prolonged bouts of high blood pressure. The one short spurt of high blood pressure was quickly brought under control -- and that was five years ago. (underactive thyroid.)

In the early 2000s (I'm thinking 03 or 04) I had a bad bout of walking pneumonia and a few months later had a heart murmur and a 'slightly enlarged' heart. No structural damage, and as time passed, the condition resolved itself.

I had an anomalous heart problem in October of 08 or 09. There was an acknowledgement of a 'syndrome'. But there were no observable malfunctions, obstructions, or anything that could be diagnosed and treated.

I later had another bout of prolonged pneumonia. And another heart murmur with enlargement of the right ventricle. This set off a whole array of symptoms and tests, but the results were the same. No structural damage. And, once again, the condition resolved.

This may have happened another time -- after so many years and all the things that have happened in the last few years, memories merge or muddle. It has happened enough that there is a faint pattern.

So now I have the symptoms and the struggles of congestive heart failure. The symptoms are somewhat worse than they have been, and show no signs of resolving at this time. I am retaining fluids, and other systems are being affected. My liver is awash.But there are still no signs of structural damage or physical cause. It's hard to breathe, especially when I change position. The fluid (congestion) residing in my pericardium squooshes my lungs until I can adjust. My C-PAP has been doing a wonderful job of keeping the fluids OUT of my lungs, so there is that.

There is no prognosis.
It's even fallen short of an actual diagnosis.

I have the symptoms of heart failure.
I am receiving/doing treatments for heart failure.
Treatments are as effective as they can be, all things considered. (CHF can be a temperamental condition, until it gets into the later stages.)

One part of the treatment is mild exercise as can be tolerated.
Sure wish I still had my gazelle, or my pedals, or something of that sort.
I can still walk.
On days that I actually can walk.
Hopefully I can build up endurance, and will be able to walk in the woods and hike in the hills.
Maybe someday I'll even be able to walk all the way through Kroger's store without muscle spasms and gasping like a fish.
Maybe.
I figure mountain climbing is out, though.
Deep sea diving may or may not work, depending on depth. The piped in air is part of advanced treatment of cardiopulmonary issues, after all.
Not so sure about skydiving. All that thinner atmosphere and atmospheric pressure.

That's the plan, and it IS an achievable goal (within reason.)

I'm still trying.

More Therapy

Messed up my back just before Christmas. Well, my back messed up. It just decided it didn't want to do anything. No slips, falls, overexertions or anything that I could figure out.
Went to ER; Dr. diagnosed an exacerbation of chronic low back pain and recommended an MRI, so be sure to follow up with my PCP.
He also prescribed Robaxin, Vicodin, and prednisone -- a really long taper of the prednisone. 4 for 4 days, 3 for 3 days, 2 for 2 days, 1 for 1 day.

So, today I got in to see my PCP. she took me off the prednisone. Which is okay because I'm pretty much done with them anyway.  Said the steroid had me spilling sugar. Not a surprise; they do that. An immediate stop was a bit of a surprise, because sometimes a sudden stop can cause rebound problems. Good thing I'm already done or nearly so.
I also suspect the prednisone has been playing hell with my eyes. It's almost as if I've gone back to just after my second surgery as far as seeing is concerned. My eyes itch and burn and weep.
Of course, this could also be from having lots of heat on all the time, in these wintry winter temps.

I weighed in at 3 pounds over my last visit. (Still under 300, thank god) But I was wearing three shirts and two pair of pants and two pair socks. (Wintry winter temps, donchaknow?)I dont think my weight changed a whole lot. If it did, I'm kinda inclined to blame that on the steroids, too. They can cause bloating and weight gain.

 So, here I am, starting a new year with all this garbage.

Let's get the trash took out!