Tuesday, October 5, 2021

starting over again.

 knee, back, knee, weather, car, coasts, depression, life, and everything else.

I'm still here and still trying.

It has become impossible for me to walk on a paved path in the woods.

This is NOR ACCEPTABLE.


But, between breaking and being fixed, I am now having to start all over again. The horrible gasping for air, even though I'm not really out of breath (figure that out; I can't.) has returned and I have to build up my endurance again.


I've spent my whole entire life starting over.

Could I please finish one  thing before starting the next one?

Could it please b a new goal, not a repeat of the last half dozen goals?


Ah well, it's better to have small attainable goals. That's what they say, anyway. Notso sure if I agree, but I have nothing else.

And, for all that I look like a lump of wobbly fat that does nothing, that's a difficult and boring way to live. If you even want to call that living. 

I don't. 

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

nope, not fit for anything

 It's been difficult, and it keeps getting worse. First my back and then when i finally got into walking again, and was gradually increasing my endurance, my knee went all wonky.


Sounds like more lazy-daisy excuses, but it's subjectively (or is it objectively?) true. I have MRIs to prove it. It may need surgery, and probably will, sooner or later. For now we are trying interim stuff, which, so far, is working well. I'm at least able to walk around my house without holding onto the walls and the furniture.


It's hurricane/headache season and it is miserably hot outside. Maybe it will rain. Maybe it won't. Probably it wont.

My hanging baskets that get full sun have been baked. 

My birdbath is scummy. Yuck.

Some of my newer plantings have not survived. 

I'm so tired. I sleep too much. I hurt too much.


On top of that.it seems that people are dying all around me. Old, young, contemporary. It's getting really sad, especially when it is the unborn and the newly born that are dying. Friends and their families are suffering.

Not from the stupid virus; not from the heat, not from any one thing. But everywhere there is death.


Of course, it always is, but usually more remotely. And , yes, these little spates of tragedies have happened before. 

Wake me when it's over.

If you must.


Tuesday, June 1, 2021

6/1/2021

 wow, has it been that long. I apologize to my loyal readers. The end of May was rough, It was completing the first year cycle of my daughter's death. Believe me, it was a difficult time. I tried to keep busy. I did keep busy. But every day it seemed more raw.

When it happened, it felt, for the longest time, as if I were inside one of my reality-straddling dream. And I wanted it to be. The days I didn't spend just breathing, going to the bathroom, and waiting to go back to sleep, I don't even remember. 

The world was closing down around me, but I hardly realized. It had already ended, in some ways, for me. So, I guess I was closing down, too.

As this anniversary approached I had to deal with the reality. I had to admit to it, look it in the face, and somehow get through it.


As I said, I have been keeping busy. My knee got all arthritic, which was really fun when the April Showers finally came -- late, like everything else in this craziness. Made it difficult to stand, to walk, to do anything. My car had a nervous breakdown, or maybe a psychotic break with delusions. (Or perhaps I was the one having delusions, etc.)


But I tried, I forced myself every day to move around, to get at least one chore done. 

I usually did it.


But May is here, even though Tammy still isn't. May will come again and she won't.

And I am here.

I must do better.

That is all.

And I am indeed trying, and have been trying through these last few weeks.


Tuesday, May 18, 2021

5/18/21

 Had my grandkids over the weekend. Attended a birthday party for one of my brothers's grandchild. Walked to the store with kids. David R, the kids's dad, changed my tire, so now when I drive it's with a baby tire on my left front, and the muffler clop-clopping down the street, and everything moaning and groaning. They'll hear me coming, that's for sure!

My diet is pretty steady for now, staying consistent. Weight is steady and going down, but in small increments. So small that it would take a digital scale to tell the difference. That's probably as it should be.

I have been doing some work in my flower beds as well, too. There's one I can't get in because of my knee, but the other two are doing okay. 

I'[m beginning to get restless and have an unfinished feeling if I don't get in a certain level of activity every day. That's probably a good thing, too.

Summer is rolling in like a steam roller, with the requisite humidity. I may have to move walking time to later in the day. Or perhaps earlier. 

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

5/11/2021

 here I am again. Finally getting my numbers under some kind of control. I'm at least more aware of the why when my sugar goes high and doesn't want to come down. Exercise helps a lot with that, by the way.

I'm doing fairly well about exercising or walking every day, and have even thought about doing both. But I am still very much at the stage of having to force myself to do one or the other, so maybe I'll put that off for a while. 

Hope I get over that reluctance soon, and I may, as I'm showing signs of minimal weight loss. I think part of the problem is that there is so much of me to haul around. 

Working with the flowers helps also. That's something I can do in small bits of time, and it definitely has immediate and pleasing results. I still haven't quite figured out how to manipulate me around my arthritic knee, but some attempts are semi-successful, for a minute or two. Since this pain doesn't look to be going anywhere, I had best learn to work around it or in spite of it.

Saturday, May 8, 2021

May 8

A goal accomplished.  On Thursday the 6th of May, I not only walked around the block, I did so in a reasonable amount of time. (Still twice what it should have been, but better than I expected.) I even managed to do one long (for me; proportionately for the distance) stretch without stopping to breathe. 

Unfortunately for me, every time I went out it got cold and dark. I don't mind walking in the rain, but the rain lately has been mighty cold, and I didn't want to risk getting a cold shower I'd have to plod through to get back home. 

So I did my whole routine of back exercises all at one time. That takes a while, and a good amount of energy. Also, I hope it will loosen my hip where it kind of locks up, but not exactly. It just doesn't want to stretch.

My knee is still painful, although there is an ebb and flow to that. It also keeps raining in the night, even if the day is bright. Which it is not at times. 

Today I did the half block, after I had watched my friend put my flowers in the ground for me. The ones I bought Monday were starting to droop in spite of being rained on every night.  I also planted a few flowers she brought me. 

We sat on my porch and just visited for a while, which was as nice a giving as her saving my plants. 

After she left, I planted a couple more things she'd brought, and then I watered ones she hadn't got earlier. 



It was a nice way to spend some time.  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

May 5, 2021

 I'm getting behind here. I apologize.


It's been a rough week in many different ways. I did finally get rid of the headache, only to replace it with a painful knee. I played in my flower beds. When you're as big as a whale, it's very like playing when you're rolling around and crawling to get things done! Ya gotta make it fun.

It's also a lot of work.


I've been spending more time out on the porch or in the yard. Can't watch tv much right now, the Mother's Day commercials are getting to me. Makes it hard to want to get out of bed and open the curtains and door and let the light in.

Fortunately, it is time for the rent to be collected and I would be very embarrassed to have a need to answer the door in my sleep shirt. 


It's been raining quite a bit, which is good for the flowers and it is also rather soothing to watch and hear, and smell. 


Anyway, I'm hanging in there with my getting up and doing, although I desire to do more and I do try, but I'll try to do better. 


Wednesday, April 28, 2021

April 28, 2021

Another two days have passed, neither in idleness but neither in increasing activity. Especially not today! I did try, but pretty much fell into walls and out of chairs. It didn't seem like a good idea to go out in public.


Yesterday I woke up (got up) before Nine o'clock in the morning. Got up and had energy and all that stuff. Out away my laundry from Sunday, did some dishes, broomed the floor again, and even made a phone call to the pharmacy about my prescriptions. I have auto-refill, and I get 4 on one day, and another one three to five days later. I had the first notice but hadn't heard anything about the second, so I called and asked if they could tell me when it would be ready so I could only make one trip. 


Her response was "Give us a half an hour and well have it." She even went to make sure they had the medicine in stock. Very polite, cheerful  young (voice-wise) lady. 

So I went to Kroger's after I got the text that it was ready.

I picked up the prescriptions, did some shopping, and forced myself to walk the perimeter of the store. 

That sounds both lame and lazy, but I was -- and am -- still hurting from the planting and tugging and digging and all from the other day. Plus, my bad knee was starting to ache.For the first time in a few months I even considered using one of the wheelchair carts, but I told myself that if I could walk, I should walk. Fortunately there wasn't (surprise!) a line at the pharmacy. That helped tremendously. 

I stopped at a little specialty store and walked around their lot taking pictures of plants and yard decor. I was looking for flats of flowers and only finding pots, when my hips started saying they had been hauling me around for long enough, and I slowly made my way back to the car.

It was when I was getting in the car that I saw the other greenhouse tent where the flats were. 

Well, damn.

I'll go back another day.

And maybe remember to take my walking stick, or, if I'm in my own car, get my old lady assistant out of the trunk. That would be a walker with wheels. And I would do this BEFORE walking around the place. 

Last night I thought about writing, but I was feeling pretty tired, so decided I would just do it in the morning. 

Finished putting the groceries away, showered, ribbed medicine into all my aching parts, and went out to sit on my porch. I listened to frogs, and neighbors, and myriad sounds of a night in a rural town. 


Morning was a different story. I slept until 11, and then I could barely force myself to my feet. When I did get to my feet is when i tried to kiss the wall (the first time.) Between pain and unrelated dizziness, I was not off to a good start. I also had a pretty good headache going on. That was likely the root of the vertigo. 

Well, it was supposed to rain. We were supposed to have had rain overnight, and we did have a few light showers. By morning it was supposed to be raining steadily with the possibility of embedded thunderstorms.

The sun was shining brightly.

So I went ahead and watered my flowers that I hadn't done the night before because I was hoping for the rain. I could smell it coming. 


My friend brought me some more plants to plant. I told her where to put them -- I was afraid to try going down the porch steps -- and chatted with her, and then she left and I went inside and sat down. 

Woke up a couple-few hours later, perhaps less dizzy, but now both knees, my hips, my back and my wrists were all painful if I moved, and I had double vision. Bleh. 

 Finally.

Finally.

Finally it rained.

And rained. 

And rained a li'l bit more. 

With the rain the aching eased, head and bones alike.

So I went to see where I would put my plants tomorrow, and ended up doing half of them tonight. 

So, here I am now, capable of typing and reading the results. I can sit without leaning against the table or resting my head on the screen.


It's supposed to rain more overnight and into tomorrow, so I don't know what the day will bring. I hope to get the rest of my plants in the ground, but I don't have the bed ready where I want some specific one to go, so I don't know.

Should I get them in the ground if I can, and move them when I get the ground cleared?

Should I clear the ground first and plant them?

Clearing the ground is going to mean getting right down on it, and maybe in it, which will also mean getting back up from it. That's a lot more problematic.


Part of me is hoping it rains all day tomorrow and an other part of me says that in that case I can honor my daughter by taking a walk in the rain.


I kind of like that idea. 






Monday, April 26, 2021

Accountability: Day 3

 Well, yesterday (Sunday April 25, 2021) was pretty much a washout. Not quite. I redeemed myself at the end of the day.

Yesterday was one of the days when getting up is a notable achievement. I did --eventually -- get up, I even got dressed AND opened the curtain on my one window. I've been trying to make sure I get some exposure to natural light every day. Nature heals.

And on those down days, it feels even more important.

Later, I cooked some Manwich and tater tots, and put away a few groceries. 

Then I went to the laundromat and did my laundry. Washed, dried (mostly, because I couldn't remember if I had left a burner on) and carried back into the house. 


Today started not much better, with one exception. The sun was shining. Brightly, beamingly, annoyingly, loudly shining. It was horrible. Wonderfully horrible.

I got up for a little while., then sat back down and promptly went back to sleep. And I do mean promptly. I don't even remember the show coming back from commercial. 


A little later I did get up, and became a bit more productive. I swept the floors, and I started a pot of chili in my slow cooker. 

Then I went outside and weeded one flower bed and cleared out another one. Pulled horrible fat vines out of the ground, dug out sunken bricks, pulled and tugged and tossed and carried. Hung my hummingbird feeder. Climbed my ladder to change the outside light bulb, but couldn't get the screws loose on the light cover (outdoor equivalent of a lampshade). Even tried pliers, but my hands wouldn't hold on. Not to mention not even being able to see the top screw. Oh well. A couple trips up and down a ladder ought to count for exercise. It sure felt like it to my legs! Although that could have been the pulling and tugging talking.

Came in, ate my chili, went out and looked at the big ol' moon came back in and sorted some of my clothes, but not all. 

That winds up my day. 

I hope.

My back and my troublesome left knee are complaining loudly.


On the accountability scale. Did not walk. Big minus.

Did get moving on extras.

Did accomplish a few ordinary chores. 

2 + and one - means the + wins.

Saturday, April 24, 2021

Trying again



Time to fire this ol' thing up again. I've had a lot of things happen since last I was here. Most of you reading know. For those who don't know the details, it really doesn't matter, except that it distracted me and now I must get myself back on track.

My weight, despite changes and diet and all that stubbornly clings to 300. It bounces up and down around that number, but it seems to be the anchor number. 

I am doing more, but I really can't seem to force myself into a routine. And changes are more easily made through an adaptable routine. Routine being the key word.

I went on a mini vacation with my sisters (and one of their friend) and I got in some of the kind of walking I enjoy. And I did enjoy it! 

I want to keep doing that, but I'm thinking I'm going to have to do a lot of boring walking around town and through stores, whether that's where I want to be or not. 

I am doing better. The walks I succeeded at in the mountains proved that to me. (Also proved that I am correct in saying "It may take me a while, but I CAN do it.)

What I need is some outward accountability. That is you, my friends. Please get on my case if I don't post something here regularly. I'd like to go every day, or every other day, but for now I'll accept a staring goal of twice a week. 

Please, if you can, help me hold myself accountable. If I can cure or adapt my physical problems, I am now free to do things I want, instead of just wishing and dreaming of doing them. I can even afford to do things, so long as I'm not reckless or extravagant.

This is important to me.


I will also benefit by getting back into the habit of writing regularly, which has been tricky with arthritis in my hands and ennui in my head. I don't like not writing meaningfully and frequently.


Here's to good habits and successful routines, and GETTING A LIFE.